Go

Above and Beyond

IN SEARCH OF INTELLIGENT LIFE

By James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

        The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds.  But all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth.  Read the following true accounts and see if you agree:

That took some balls... In Texas, two 17-year-olds were able to help police who were trying to catch a suspect on the Wichita Falls Country Club golf course. The two teens were on the driving range when they noticed a man running across the grass. They teed off and hit him square in the knee with their golf balls, causing him to surrender. The targeted man had sprinted to the course after he wandered into the back door of a furniture store and employees alerted police. Officers riding motorcycles followed him across the driving range and up the fairway until he was hit by the golf balls. He was charged with being intoxicated in public. (Motorcycle cops chasing a drunk across a golf course while two teenagers pummel the drunk’s knees with golf balls – it’s hard to believe we’re the folks who put men on the moon over 30 years ago!)

“Er, uh, hello Judge!  I just thought I’d drop in and say ‘Hi!’ ”... A prisoner in Decatur, Georgia, fell through the ceiling of a courthouse and into a judge’s chambers while trying to escape. The man was one of about a dozen inmates awaiting hearings when he was taken to an empty jury room to speak with his attorney. The inmate asked to go into the adjacent bathroom and, from there, climbed into the ceiling crawl space. The judge was in the courtroom when the barefoot inmate fell through the ceiling and landed near his desk. A technician, who was fixing the judge’s computer, alerted security, who grabbed the escapee in the hallway. (“Look!  Up there in the sky... it’s a bird...no, it’s a plane!  No, it’s an idiot!”)

This is the kind of guy who likes to hit himself on the head with a hammer because it feels so good when he stops... Police knocked on the door of an 18-year-old man in Orem, Utah. They explained that they had a warrant for the arrest of his 38-year-old roommate. The man let the officers into the apartment, but got a little peeved after they made their arrest. He asked them what right they had to come into the apartment and arrest his friend. They reminded him that he had allowed them in. In a sudden flash of brilliance, the man taunted the cops and asked them why they didn’t just go ahead and arrest him, too, since he had two outstanding warrants. They checked his story out and obliged his request. (I would have given anything to hear what he had to say to the judge when he was sentenced!)

Signs of the times?... The town of Mount Holly, New Jersey, has introduced humorous road signs to slow down drivers who ignore conventional warnings. The town is putting up brightly colored signs with messages, such as “Meet Our Judge – Exceed 25 mph” and “Free Speeding Tickets Ahead.” Officials came up with the idea because they felt the conventional black-and-white speed limit signs were no longer registering with motorists. The signs were placed on stretches of road where speeding is a persistent problem. (OK, guys, here’s a suggestion for your next sign:  Do you like to drive fast? Then call 1-800-I just lost my driving privileges!)

Some guys occupy their spare time with skydiving, while others prefer bowling, but this guy... A man (so far unidentified) created a frenzy in London this past September when he began offering a free call-in service. While dressed in a full “superhero” costume of colorful tights, cape and mask, and armed with a metal cutting circular saw, this “superhero” would dispatch himself to help motorists whose cars had been immobilized by unpopular, police installed wheel clamps (called in many American cities by the name “Denver boot”). “Angle Grinder Man” said he had freed 12 cars so far and doesn’t mind breaking the law because it’s a “public service.”  He added, “And, I like wearing the costume.” (We can only hope that he runs into “Police Baton Man.”)

Dressing up like a “beautiful woman” is a great way to make new friends in prison... A 28-year-old Brazilian prisoner who tried to escape while dressed as a woman was caught because he couldn’t walk in high heels. Guards said the man looked like a beautiful woman, but waddled like a duck. The inmate was caught trying to escape from Taquaritinga prison in Ribeirao Preto, Sao Paulo. He was recognized by a guard, even though he was wearing a wig, fake breasts, high heels and full makeup. Police are investigating how the wig, high heeled shoes, makeup and breasts came to be in the prison. (One thing’s for sure – he’s got a guaranteed guest spot on “The Jerry Springer Show” when he gets out!)

Just another way to operate a city within the budget?... The mayor of Camden, New Jersey, has finally agreed to give up her chauffeured black Lincoln Town Car. Not because it’s pretentious, but because it’s stolen property. Camden police had recovered the car the same day it was stolen in nearby Pennsauken, but the police never notified the 70-year-old victim that they had found his car. So, the mayor used it as her official vehicle. When the car’s true ownership was revealed, she refused to give it back to the victim until after weeks of bad publicity. The Camden County Prosecutor cleared the mayor of any wrongdoing and ordered an audit to see if any more stolen cars were being used by city officials. (I’ve heard of “finders keepers,” but this is ridiculous!)

The “write” stuff?... In Mishawaka, Indiana, two men waltzed into a 7-11 and handed the clerk a holdup note. After looking at it for a moment, the clerk told them she couldn’t decipher it and handed it back. One of the crooks took a look at it and said he couldn’t read it either and blamed it on his partner’s bad handwriting. He then started yelling at his buddy and the matter quickly escalated into a full-fledged shouting match. They continued arguing as they left the store empty-handed. (Wait, didn’t I see this scene in the movie Dumb and Dumber?)

I can understand why she was in a hurry to marry this guy – she wouldn’t want a “catch” like him to get away from her... A 25-year-old prisoner was married by the same judge who had just sentenced him to extra time in jail. The groom wore handcuffs while his bride wore a beaded wedding gown for the ceremony conducted before the female judge. The groom was an inmate at the Chester County Prison in Pennsylvania who had been found with marijuana in his underwear. He was awaiting sentencing for hitting a man in the head with a beer bottle and then shooting at him during an incident. The judge added six to 23 months for the drug possession. With one year already served, he is now facing at least three more years behind bars. After the sentencing, the judge asked the bride if she really wanted to marry the man. The judge repeated the question several times before agreeing to officiate. (Somebody better check that wedding cake for a file!)

“OK, chief, here’s another one for the ‘X-Files’!”... An FBI agent gave a guilty plea to a misdemeanor charge, paid a $105 fine and $12,000 in restitution to the Barbary Coast Hotel in Las Vegas for an incident in which he (for some reason he has yet to make public) fired two shots from his service weapon at a lobster in a walk-in cooler. It was a late night incident with no one in the vicinity, but he was captured on a surveillance tape. The agent had gone to Las Vegas for an accounting seminar. (In the agent’s defense, the lobster was “armed” with two big claws.)

“Excuse me, comrade, are you a former employee at Chernobyl?”... A Russian man stole a passport and then had himself made up to look like the person in the picture – right down to having a large pair of artificial ears made. But, wouldn’t you know it, just as he was passing through customs, the glue on the fake ears came off and the ears began to slowly slide down his head. After being arrested, he blamed all of his problems on the fact that he had used a cheap Russian glue instead of a better Western one. (Plane tickets out of Russia – $1200.00; fake ears to get you through customs – $200.00; a quality glue to make sure your new ears don’t slide down the side of your face – priceless!)