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Above and Beyond

IN SEARCH OF INTELLIGENT LIFE

By James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

 The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds. But, all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth. Read the following true accounts and see if you agree:

Believe It or Don’t

Holy leotards, it’s Batman!... Five thieves robbed a liquor store in Manchester, England, and hit the streets in a rush. But, the store’s security chief, who was getting ready for a charity function and wearing a Batman costume, chased and caught them. (Batman and “Robbin’”...what a coincidence!)

It was probably just a case of mistaken identity – the policeman was a dead ringer for Officer Friendly... Police in Chattanooga, Tennessee, said they had arrested a man for possession of about a pound of marijuana. He allegedly walked nonchalantly into a Fast Food and Fuel convenience store, past a police officer and uninhibitedly placed a stash of marijuana into the store’s microwave oven because, he said, he needed to dry it out. He was arrested, along with another man sleeping in his car in the parking lot. (“But, Your Honor, the officer wasn’t eating a donut...how was I supposed to know he was a cop?”)

Hey, don’t feel bad, guys. I’m sure a lot of derelict cars have license plates on ’em and are still warm under the hood... In Framingham, Massachusetts, firefighters practicing with their cutting equipment destroyed a car innocently parked outside their fire station. The crew attacked the Honda Accord believing it to be a car supplied for training purposes. The owner of the car had left his 16-year-old Honda near the fire station while he walked across the street to a car auction office. When the exercise began, firefighters assumed his car was part of the drill and removed its roof and doors. (If the car looked like it was to be used for training purposes, it was probably time to replace it anyway.)

“Cops, eh?!?  Well, how about turning that blue light and siren off and showing me some ID!”... In Colombia, a police car was engaged in a high-speed chase of a gang of car thieves. When the thieves approached a tollbooth at a high rate of speed, they drove on through. But, workers flagged down the pursuing police car and would not let it pass until the officers paid the toll. By that time, the thieves were long gone and officers say they have no clues as to their whereabouts. They had been chasing the gang for 25 miles from Bogota. (I just can’t believe a government employee would do such a thing...uh, on second thought...)

“Well, Judge, when I heard they were going to hold auditions for the ‘Bong Show,’ I thought I would try out my act”... In Fulton, Kentucky, a man celebrated his 52nd birthday by having a big pot party with several of his friends. Police soon began receiving complaints about smoke coming from his house and went there to investigate. Fortunately, the house wasn’t on fire, but, unfortunately, the birthday boy had decided to turn his home into the world’s largest bong. Officers found a large amount of marijuana burning on a grill just outside his back door and he was using a huge fan in the front door to pull smoke through the house. He figured he could spare everyone the trouble of having to light up. (Another middle-aged “child of the ’60s” exhibits the effects of long-term marijuana use)

Good to the last drop... In Charleston, West Virginia, an inmate returning to jail from his day job at a recycling center tested higher than a 0.20 blood-alcohol level. He acquired the alcohol by withdrawing the last drops from all the empty liquor bottles he sorted. (Talk about mixed drinks!  Eeech!)

“Sometimes, it’s better not to ask...” A 50-year-old woman from Everett, Washington, was crossing a street in Seattle when she was almost run down by a car which sped through a red light and was followed by a police car in hot pursuit. She later said, “I was in the middle of the intersection and saw the police lights and thought, ‘What else could happen to me today’” Yes, she was having a bad day and there was more to come: It turns out she had reported her car stolen from her home in Everett that morning, about 30 miles away. It was then that she realized that the car which almost ran her over was her very own. (“Gosh, I hope they don’t move my seat and reprogram all of the radio stations.”)

It’s always encouraging to see “community policing” in action!... A suspected thief who tried to take cash from a shop in England was caught after a mile long chase involving 47 people. The chase began after a customer in a stationery shop spotted a man taking cash from a till. A woman and her teenaged son began to follow him, joined by a female traffic officer and students from a nearby school. The deputy head teacher, another teacher, and more children joined in as the thief ran through the school building into the parking lot and down a steep bank. A policeman soon joined the chase and caught the suspect hiding behind the shed. (I can’t help but wonder what 47 people were gonna do with this bum after they caught him!)

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

The gift that just keeps giving...say, five to ten years maybe?... Two teenaged boys who worked for an electronics retailer in Tyler, Texas, figured a way to activate the gift cards that the store sells and went on a little shopping spree. But alas, when they tried to purchase a Palm^™ Pilot, a minidisc recorder and some video games, they were stopped at the checkout counter. The discerning cashier suspected something was up when she ran the gift card through the register and noticed that the boys didn’t opt for the usual $20, $50 or $100 on their card. They made a card worth $100,000.  (I think the boys should have included a handheld calculator amongst their “purchases.”)

The judge knew without a doubt that the accused had rocks in her head... A woman was scheduled to appear in court in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, but, when she approached the bench, a sheriff’s deputy noticed a plastic bag protruding from her braided hair. Upon further investigation, the bag was found to contain 28 rocks of cocaine. When confronted about her unorthodox coiffure, she claimed that she found the baggie in the courthouse bathroom and it must have accidentally gotten caught in her hair when she was putting it up. (She needs to loosen her braids a little...I think they’re exacting a toll on her mental faculties.)

Too bad the “lookout” didn’t see this coming... Three aspiring robbers in Italy planned to rob a postal worker by flashing a toy gun. Things didn’t go as planned, however, because they drew too much attention to themselves. How? you ask. They got into a fight with each other on the street because none of them wanted to be the lookout guy. (Now they’re arguing about who sleeps on the top bunk, the bottom bunk and the floor.)

Finger Lickin’ Dumb... In West Philadelphia, a man who tried to rob the branch of Kentucky Fried Chicken where he was employed, turned up for work three days later as if nothing had happened. The 19-year-old man didn’t wear a mask or any disguise and did not try to hide or conceal his face during the robbery. He didn’t get any cash since he apparently did not know the safe he tried to force his boss to open was time locked. (“OK, so I tried to rob you – just let it go! OK?”)