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Above and Beyond

IN SEARCH OF INTELLIGENT LIFE

By James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

       The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds.  But all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth.  Read the following true accounts and see if you agree:

“Thank you, Officer. By the way, I’ve already paid the ticket on-line.”... In less time than it took a North Brunswick, New Jersey, patrolman to write a ticket for an unregistered vehicle, the driver got his car registered on-line. When an officer pulled over a 1992 Mazda 626, the vehicle’s registration had expired. By the time he’d finished writing up the driver for the infraction, the car was legal again. That’s because the 36-year-old Jersey City man had a cell phone, a friend with a computer whom he could reach and the foresight to use the New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission’s on-line registration service.  His ingenuity did not save him from getting a ticket, but it did keep him from having his car towed.  (“And, while I was at it, I nominated you for ‘Officer of the Year.’ ”)

 “The change is good, but I’m still a hood!”... A robber was jailed in Illinois – despite singing to the court in an effort to get a reduced sentence. The 20-year-old thief appeared before a circuit judge in Belleville and sang a gospel oriented hymn he’d composed himself. He admitted robbing a Taco Bell restaurant four months after completing boot camp for a robbery at the same premises, but sang, “God has changed that man. I’m doing the best I can.” The judge was moved by the song and the man’s good attitude, but still gave him 12 years. (I wonder if he’ll be singing in the shower when he gets to prison.)

Libraries love this guy, too... A man who received a parking ticket in 1965 has finally paid the two dollar fine. He got the fine on March 16, 1965, while on a business trip to a clock factory in Athens, Georgia. Now a 63-year-old and living in Tempe, Arizona, he said it was the only time he’d ever been in Athens. He said, “I just found it recently and I thought, ‘Shoot, I still owe that.’ I just hoped it hadn’t increased each year.” He found the ticket in a box of photographs. (I guess they can take his “wanted poster” down now.) 

A brand-new form of terrorism!... A four foot alligator chewed its way out of a shipping carton in Milwaukee before a postal worker tossed it into a hamper and called animal control officers. Employees were sorting mail when they noticed the alligator chewing its way out of an Express Mail box, said a spokeswoman. Workers tried to tape the box closed, but the alligator bit it open. “The nose...was sticking out with its teeth hanging out,” said a postal employee. She said a coworker picked it up by its tail and threw it in a hamper. (Did that coworker wear shorts and have an annoying Australian accent?)

 “We’ll come knockin’, ’cause the moron’s a-talkin’!”... When police banged on the door of a 42-year-old man in Stilwell, Kansas, they wound up arresting him, even though they weren’t after him when they went to his house. They had a tip that two fugitives were hiding at that address and, since the owner knew nothing about that, he matter-of-factly gave them permission to search the house – well, kind of.  He added the caveat, “everywhere but the garage.” As you might imagine, that was enough for a judge to grant a search warrant for the garage where the police found the remains of a suspected methamphetamine lab. (“By the way, should we be charging you with any other crimes while we’re at it?”)

Could you just save us the trouble and drive yourself back to jail?... A man was released from jail in Orlando, Florida, after serving a sentence for auto theft and drunk driving. Four days after his release, he returned to the sheriff’s office to pick up some of his personal belongings. While running a routine check on him, the deputy noticed that his license had been revoked for life. So, she asked him to please drive around to the back to pick up his stuff. He did just that, parking illegally in a fire lane and then going back inside the station. His day got a little worse after that: A quick check of the license plate revealed that the car had been stolen the same day he was released from jail. His personal belongings will remain in storage. (And, he’ll remain in “storage” for a while, too.)

“Can you hear me now?”... While robbing a shoe store in Farmington Hills, Michigan, a thief dropped his cell phone and left it at the scene. Police traced the phone to a 49-year-old man and called him to say that a citizen had turned in his lost phone. They added that he could come to the station to get it. But, the chief of police says the man was “dumber than dumb.”  It seems he “didn’t even make it to the right police station.” He stopped at a neighboring town’s police station, “where officers stalled him until our guys could go over and pick him up.” (If you really want to stall this guy, just put him in a round room and tell him to go stand in the corner!)

One can’t help but wonder what he would have done if the evidence was cocaine or heroin?... In Springfield, Missouri, the city manager is standing behind the police chief’s decision to fire a police officer over the objections of the city’s personnel board. The officer says he was told to “destroy” some evidence in the department’s property locker – 70 beers confiscated by the department’s underage drinking task force – and he says he did so by drinking it. “He didn’t steal. There was no crime committed,” says the cop’s lawyer who is threatening to sue to get him reinstated. “The officer was not untruthful and did not falsify any reports. Turning beer to urine is disposal,” he insists. (Some would argue that pouring 70 beers down the drain is much more of a “crime.”)

Yes, clothes really do “make the man.”... A 29-year-old Oregon state minimum security prison inmate was doing his assigned job when he noticed the guards were looking the other way. So, he simply walked away. After walking for half an hour, he passed by the state Department of Corrections headquarters building in Salem. As it happened, a DOC employee was getting into her car and noticed his prison uniform. Her job: chasing down escaped fugitives. She confronted the inmate who bolted. He ran, jumping over a barbed wire topped fence – landing in the middle of a training exercise for the police SWAT team. He was quickly arrested. (“Hi, officers, I’m here to play the part of an escaped prisoner!”)

The boy and his relative both inherited the same “stupidity” gene... In Chillicothe, Ohio, a 15-year-old boy (who was on probation for arson and feared testing positive for marijuana) submitted the urine of a relative instead of his own. That was a bad move – the urine sample tested positive for cocaine. (Next time, try eBay®!)

“And violators of this policy must appeal disciplinary action at least one week before it’s taken.”... The city of Vicksburg, Mississippi, has taken a step to alleviate its problem with employee absences due to illness; henceforth, city workers will be expected to give notice 48 hours before taking sick days. (I’ve heard that this is a town where politicians assume office three weeks before elections are held.)

Maybe the kid is a lot smarter than everyone thinks!... In Orlando, Florida, a baby accidentally hit the 911 emergency button on the telephone. The dispatcher who took the call heard only gibberish and baby sounds and immediately called back. The mother answered and assured the operator that everything was fine. But, local policy requires officers to check out all 911 calls. When a deputy sheriff came calling, she immediately opened the door and invited him in. There in plain view was a pile of marijuana, several bags of cocaine and mounds of cash on the coffee table – about $70,000 in cash and $20,000 worth of cocaine. (Well, there goes the kid’s college education fund!)

“Sir, I need you to gather up all of your illegal drugs.”... In Lowell, Massachusetts, police officers asked a man being arrested for driving without a license if there was anything he wanted to take with him to the station.  He readily replied that he did indeed have something of value in the car.  At that moment, he went to the trunk of his car and retrieved a bag of marijuana.  (“Yeah, sure, Officer, would you mind hanging onto this for me until I get out?  Thanks, Buddy!”)

And, sometimes, the Lord works in obvious ways... A man who stole a Salvation Army donation pot outside a drugstore in Tucson, Arizona, was hit by a car as he tried to run away. The 40-year-old crook grabbed the pot and pulled it away after a short struggle with a volunteer, a 60-year-old woman who suffers from cerebral palsy. As he started to run away, he was struck by a Honda sedan and the police captured him. The red pot and the $53.97 inside were returned to the Salvation Army. “I think God has a poetic sense of justice,” said a spokesman. The thief was treated at the hospital and arrested on suspicion of robbery and criminal damage. (It’s too bad they weren’t near a train station.)

What a lucky guy he is to have so many good friends!... A two week spree of five customer holdups in front of ATMs in Cambridge, Massachusetts, came to an end with the arrest of a 38-year-old man. In four of the five robberies, bank security cameras photographed the perpetrator.  It seems that the robber was so disliked by so many people who knew him that, when police released the photos, more than 100 people called up to rat him out. Said a detective, “Many people knew him personally from dealing with him in the past.”  (I’m sure he’ll have no problem in making an equal number of new friends in jail.)

“You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch!”... A homeowner in Ruskin, Florida, puts 70,000 lights on his home every Christmas which draws motorists from all parts of Florida. But, this year, after a two year feud with a neighbor over dock rights, he put out only one light. It was a 500 watt halogen aimed at a giant, hand painted plywood sign which read, “There will be no Xmas decorations this year due to the Scrooge at 6510 Abaco.”  (Make sure you stop by and thank him for his thoughtfulness!)