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Above and Beyond

In Search Of Intelligent Life

By James L. McClinton, Ph.D

Charleston County, SC, Sheriff’s Office

The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds. But all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth.
Read the following true accounts and see if you agree:

TAKING OUR STREETS BACK?

“Ah, ain’t that sweet!”... In MacClenny, Florida, a candidate for sheriff left town mysteriously after having been caught spreading sugar on the ground (to draw ants) the day before his opponent’s fund-raising picnic. (Now, there’s a criminal act Janet Reno may be willing to investigate.)

“Polly want a ticket?”... In the Greek town of Patras, a police officer, who reckoned that a parrot was obstructing the pavement on his beat, tried to resolve the impasse by writing the bird a parking ticket. CoCo, the parrot, was just perched outside a pet shop on a stand by his owner, as he was every morning. The shopkeeper was stunned by the ticket, and complained that the policeman had not ticketed nearby illegally parked cars, and had just vindictively targeted the parrot. Greek television showed the owner handing the ticket to the parrot, who tore it up. (And the bird responded, “This is for the birds.”)

FOOL* AWARDS (*Friends of Official Law Enforcement)

See, that’s what happens when men ask for directions!... A criminal mastermind in Milford, Connecticut, walked into a jewelry store, snatched a tray of jewelry and ran. The police were called and, after getting a description of the suspect, went outside the store to look for clues. Locating the crook didn’t require much effort – he walked right up to one of the officers and asked him if he knew the way to the bus stop.  (He got a free ride and didn’t need the bus after all.)

Hey, this sounds like male stereotyping to me!... A man stole a car in Manchester, Connecticut, and then lost his way. So, he pulled into a convenience store, walked up to a cop who was in the store at the time and asked him how to get to a specific address. The cop filled him in, but thought it was odd that a male would actually stop and ask for directions.  So, he ran a quick check on the license plate as our thief drove away. Sure enough, the car turned up as stolen, so the officer drove to the address the man had given him.  Yup, the car was there and the thief was inside hiding behind a dresser.  (He wasn’t hiding – he just didn’t know where the bathroom was either.)

They saw right through his little scheme... A 19-year-old Texaco convenience store employee in Shawnee, Kansas, masterminded a plot to rob his own store whereby he would tape over the security cameras, stash the loot, and simply report a robbery, saying he had been forced to cover the cameras. Unfortunately, police found he had used transparent tape. He was quickly arrested. (“I guess they were out of duct tape that day.”)

“Hi, I’m your attorney and I’m here to hurt you”... In Detroit, a man was to meet his lawyer at a police station so they could fill out the paperwork to get his car back after it had been impounded in an alleged drug deal. As he waited for the lawyer to show up, officers realized that the familiar face belonged to a man currently wanted locally for murder. Said a police sergeant, “I’ve never seen anybody actually walk into a station on another matter, obviously knowing he’s wanted on a murder warrant.” To make it official, an officer asked the lawyer matter-of-factly to identify a photo taken from the warrant, which he did (according to the police), and he was promptly arrested. (And the lawyer said, “Hey, what do ya want, ethics or ignorance?”)

IT TAKES A THIEF

That sound you just heard was Jesse James and Billy the Kid rolling over in their graves... Two brainless wonders broke into a convenience store on Bill Owens Parkway in Longview, Texas. They then put the squeeze on an ATM machine and hauled it out. All went well until they tried to abscond with their ill-gotten gains.  You see, they were using a Ford Tempo as a getaway car and it was too small to fit the ATM into the backseat or trunk. But, they solved the problem – or so they thought – by hoisting the ATM onto the roof of their car and slowly driving off into the sunset.  You think a sight like that would draw a few stares?  Sure enough!  The cops followed these guys until they made a sharp turn and the ATM toppled from the roof onto the roadway. (Maybe theyshould have duct taped it to the roof.)  

Gee, I wonder if they had been drinking?... In Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, 18-year-old actor Brad Renfro, best known for his costarring role in the movie, “The Client,” and a buddy allegedly tried to steal a 45 foot yacht from its berth at a Ft. Lauderdale marina. They got the big boat started and almost got underway. But, these landlubbers failed to untie the mooring lines and when they tried to pull away, the ropes tightened and yanked the $175,000 boat back to the dock. The noise awakened other boaters who held these pirates-in-training until the police arrived. (Next time, make ’em “walk the plank.”)  

Take a pig out of the mud, give him a bath and put a ribbon on his tail – he’s still a pig... In London, England, Mr. Freddie Smyth was arrested and charged with shoplifting. When he was brought in to be booked, the police were amazed to see him  steal the little magnetic letters off the board he was holding for his mug shot.  (And he picked out “i-d-i-o-t.”)

The urge to shop and tell... A woman held up a Bank of America in College Station, Texas. While waiting for the teller to get her money, she gave in to her feminine instincts and engaged in a little girl talk, mentioning a used car dealer in town that had a car she had been eyeing for the last couple of months. After she left with the cash, the teller told the cops about the car dealer. You know the rest of the story...the police checked and, sure enough, our bozo had just left in her new car after coming in with a cash down payment. They went to the address she had given on her credit application, found the car and arrested her.  (I wonder if they sipped tea while they chatted?)

FULL COURT PRESS

“What?  Just a minute, Judge, I’ll be right with you”... In Mount Clemens, Michigan, an attorney was sentenced to ten days in jail for contempt of court as the result of his repeated refusal to obey a judge’s admonitions to turn off his cell phone in the courtroom. The last straw for the judge was when the attorney chose to interrupt his questioning of a witness in order to take a call. (I wonder if capital punishment is allowed in Michigan?

Yeah, opera is punishment enough!... In Cincinnati, Ohio, a county judge (who is an opera fan) enlisted 21 jail inmates to be extras in a local production of Verdi’s Aida, earning community service credits.  (Good thing our judge wasn’t a fan of trapeze acts.)

THE LATEST RAGE  

“Mad? Do I look like I’m mad?” Whatever gave you that idea?... In Porsgrunn, Norway, a car thief stole a car from the front yard of its owner. The owner happened to look out the window only to see the thief drive off in his car.  He jumped into his other car and chased the bad guy for about fifteen minutes. He stayed right on the crook’s tail.  In fact, he was so close that the thief could see his enraged face in the rearview mirror. All’s well that ends well...thinking it would be the prudent thing to do, the thief picked up the cell phone in the stolen car and called the cops to ask them to come and arrest him.  He reasoned he would be better off in police custody rather than in the “good hands” of the car’s owner.  

THIS JUST IN

“Nice try, ladies, but I don’t think so”... A nagging wife just might be good for a man’s health, concludes a University of Chicago sociologist who studied the matter for the National Institutes of Health. “Because men are taught that it is not masculine to worry about health issues while women take on a nurturing role, men need women to constantly remind them to get exercise, take their medicine or cut back on drinking,” he says. Such roles are “a fully institutionalized set of gender attitudes and expectations that we learn from the time we’re children.” (Mommas, don’t let your babies grow up to be dependent.)

Flying the friendly skies... The world’s first build it yourself spaceship kit, powered by camping gas and capable of carrying a pilot and two passengers 125 miles into weightless orbit, will go on sale within three years. The meekly named Kitten is the brainchild of American James Hill. “It should be as reliable as any other kit,” he said, “like a boat, a helicopter or a small private sub.” Although it will not escape gravity, the Kitten is capable of reaching space, defined as sixty miles above the Earth. At peak altitude, its passengers should experience “zero G” – or weightlessness – for up to four minutes. Expected to cost around half a million dollars, Kitten will be built from off-the-shelf components that already have safety approval from the Federal Aviation Authority (but not NASA). The spacecraft is shaped like a stubby cigar, has delta wings, a large tail fin and a glass cockpit. Powered by methane and oxygen, it takes off and lands on a traditional runway, taking off at 150 mph and flying like a plane to 40,000 ft. After coasting for a few minutes, the nose pitches down and the craft begins its descent. The round-trip takes about two hours. But, it is reusable. (Yeah, just in case you happen to survive the trip.)

JUST ONE OF “THOSE” DAYS

The guy really needs to talk to a career counselor... First problem: In Los Angeles, a man who stole a Nissan 300ZX didn’t get very far before he was spotted by a cop.  He put it in high gear and tried to outrun the officer.  Second problem: He rear-ended another car. Boxed in, he jumped out and took off on foot. Third problem: He then grabbed the door handle of a car stopped at a red light only to have that car take off, dragging him along with him holding onto the car door for dear life. Fourth problem: The driver then sideswiped a trash can, scraping our hapless crook off. Brilliant ending: The cops caught him and took him to a hospital to be treated for bumps and bruises. While being examined by a doctor who assumed he was on drugs, he was asked what he had taken.  The buffoon responded,  “A 300ZX.” (Oh, another one of those “honest thieves.”)

A MIND IS A TERRIBLE
THING TO WASTE

Ya need to walk before you can run... A 25-year-old man was arrested in Lynchburg, Virginia, and charged with possession of cocaine after a brief chase.  Police caught up to him after he tripped on his low-riding baggy pants, fell, and fractured his femur. And, a 39-year-old man, running from a stabbing in Philadelphia with a bloody knife in his hand, was captured following a foot chase; he had turned his head to see where the officers were and ran smack into a parking meter. (If you can’t make good time, don’t do the crime.)

“But honestly, officer, I wasn’t really gonna keep the stuff”... In Blaine, Washington, a man made his first mistake by accepting a job from a marijuana farmer to haul off 38 bags full of marijuana leaves, stems and potting soil.  Instead of hauling the stuff to the dump about six miles away from the farm, he made a wrong turn and headed toward the US/Canadian border. That was his second mistake. He then got himself into the express lane for frequent border crossers, where vehicles without a special sticker are automatically pulled over for inspections – strike three. The agents searched his truck and found the dope. (I think he must have smoked some of it before he took it to the dump.)

With friends like that, who needs enemies?... A man in Noblesville, Indiana, is looking for new friends. It seems he received a call from a man identifying himself as a member of the sheriff’s office. The man told him that officers had seen an eight foot tall marijuana plant growing in his backyard and promised not to prosecute him if he’d just bring the plant to headquarters.  Following instructions, he pulled the plant out of the ground, stuffed it into a plastic bag and took it to the sheriff’s office.  Unfortunately (for him), the call was a prank. When he arrived at HQ with the giant marijuana plant in a trash bag, deputies locked him up. (Is this a new law enforcement tactic?)

“Trusty-Mart, my foot”... A 38-year-old man in LaPorte, Indiana, was arrested after bringing proud photos of himself with his alleged home marijuana crop to his local supermarket for developing. Employees recognized the weed and called authorities. (“But, other than that, you guys did a great job!”)

DON’T MAKE ME
COME DOWN THERE!

Holdski flashlight still, comrade, whileski I pull start the generator... Russian Prime Minister Mikhail Kasyanov criticized the Ivenergo power company for briefly cutting off electricity to the Teikovo Strategic Rocket Forces Base, northeast of Moscow, for nonpayment of their bill. It owes $540,000. (Uh, excuse me, but aren’t these the missiles with the nuclear warheads???)

NOTHING COULD BE FINER

How stupid...all he had to do was open an account and deposit the cash!... Police arrested a 29-year-old man in Inman, South Carolina, and charged him with robbing a CCB Bank. He was easily tracked down on his getaway because he had failed to ask for a bag at the bank to carry the money away in and, thus, was left to stuff it all into his pants and socks. The result was that enough of the currency came loose during his run that residents along his escape route called police every few minutes to report that another bill had been spotted and, within 40 minutes of the robbery, he was in handcuffs. (Hey, didn’t Hansel and Gretel try that with bread crumbs?)

CONSUMER NEWS

Necessity is truly the mother of invention... If you have problems with noise from the neighbors, a New Zealand man has the answer. Fed up with late night party noise from the house next door, the Wellington man recorded – and is now selling – a CD containing nothing but 64 minutes of noise from a lawn mower. The CD offers listeners general lawn mower sounds, along with feature moments, such as the emptying of the grass catcher and stones hitting the blades. The plan is that if your neighbors have a party on Saturday night and keep you up all hours of the night with the noise, then you get even by putting on the hour of lawn mowing sounds early the next morning, so that they can’t get any sleep, either. He’s pressed 5,000 of the CDs and almost all have now been sold. (I think I’ll record the Indianapolis 500 and give him some competition.)

The greatest crime fighting tool to come along in decades... Engineer Roman Kunikov recently gave a public demonstration in Ufa, Russia, of his gasoline powered boots that he said would enable the wearer to jump around at about 12 feet per stride and run at a pace of about 25 mph. The boots, not yet on the market, weigh about two pounds each, including fuel. (Somebody, please show this guy a few “Roadrunner” cartoons.)n