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Above and Beyond

IN SEARCH OF INTELLIGENT LIFE

By James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

 The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds. But, all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth. Read the following true accounts and see if you agree:

This Just In

“Geez, Louise, ya just had to make a ‘Federal case’ out of one lousy sandwich!”... A female employee at the Des Moines Airport reported that her peanut butter sandwich was taken from a break room which is controlled by punching a code into a keypad. Police took a report, but suspended the investigation and turned it over to Federal agents because only 16 Federal security workers had access to the room from where the sandwich was stolen. A spokesman for the Transportation Security Administration agreed that it was a “theft,” but added that sending a detective out to the airport to interview 16 people over a missing sandwich would be, he thought, an inappropriate use of resources. (You can’t be too careful whenever terrorist actions such as this one are a threat to homeland security.)

Define “service”... If you would have recently browsed the Clinton Presidential Center Web site, you would have read the following: “If you are an undergraduate junior or senior, a recent graduate or a graduate or professional student with your own passionate interest in crucial issues of the day, the Intern Program of the William Jefferson Clinton Office in New York City offers a unique opportunity for growth, learning and meaningful service.” (“But, it all depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is. Hey, did I mention that I used to be the ‘Prez’ ?”)

“Ice Chests Outlawed in Ohio? Details at Eleven!”... Police were sent to a woman’s home in Kent, Ohio, after a neighbor complained about a busty snowwoman. The sculptress said she had gone for a realistic touch when she used two blobs of snow for breasts. Police told her to remove the breasts, but she refused. She chose instead to drape a maroon tablecloth around the figure’s shoulders. (“What’s coming next in that neighborhood – making ‘snow angels’ in the nude?”)

A matter of wife or death... When a deputy stopped a man for speeding in a residential neighborhood of Paramount, California, the man begged the deputy not to give him a ticket. He said he was handling an emergency. The deputy asked if the emergency was life threatening. The man replied, “When my wife finds out I got a ticket, it will be.”  (I wonder if he’s happy with the teeth he has now?) 

FOOL* Awards  
(*Friends of Official Law Enforcement)

Has anybody seen my dark glasses and white cane?... In Massachusetts, two men spotted a group of cars parked outside a house. They reasoned (correctly) that a party was going on inside. So, they walked through the front door, took a drink from the refrigerator which had a picture of the Framingham SWAT team stuck on it, walked up to a guy wearing a “Burlington Police Academy” sweatshirt with handcuffs on it and proceeded to offer him some cocaine. It turns out that the party crowd consisted of 20 police officers. (“Sorry, officers, we just thought you might want ‘coke’ with the burgers and fries.”)

Repeat business – a sure sign of a satisfied customer... A Toronto bank robber (who used no disguise when she robbed a bank) returned two months later to the same bank to do some banking. She even used the same bank teller she had robbed earlier. (“Thank you for banking with the Bank of Toronto. Allow me to give you these complimentary handcuffs as a token of our appreciation.”)

“Who said white-collar criminals were the smart ones?”... A man was called to appear before a judge in Northampton County, Pennsylvania, on charges of crashing his car into a bus. When asked to explain what happened, he said he was sleepy because he had “been up all night printing counterfeit checks.” Oops, the judge checked out his story and added the counterfeiting charge to the reckless driving one. (“Well, Judge, can I post bail with this check? Oops again!)

Idiots in Search of a Village

“Say, fellas, about those pink flamingos you have caged in the back of your truck”... Agents from the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources went to a family’s home with a large net and snare in order to catch an injured owl which turned out to be a $15 lawn ornament purchased from Wal-Mart two years earlier.  The owner had to yank it from the ground to show the agent the metal feet to prove the owl wasn’t real. The owl is now in the front yard with a sign reading, “This is not a real owl.” (“Tell these guys next time to look through the small end of the binoculars.”)

Don’t ever mess with a cop’s coffee fund...  In Albuquerque, New Mexico, two men were being held by the cops under suspicion of burglary. During a break in questioning, the officers left them alone in the interview room. Not knowing that the officers could see everything through a two-way mirror, the two buffoons proceeded to steal the change from the office coffee fund box; an additional theft charge was filed. (They’ve used two-way mirrors in every crime show on TV since it began and these guys still didn’t wonder why there was a mirror in an interrogation room?)

The Laws of Physics – Part II... Witnesses say a Merced, California, man who wanted “to see how far he could throw a brick into the air threw it up in the air a couple of times trying to get it higher. The last time he threw it up into the air, he lost sight of it because it was dark. It hit him in the back of the head.” He was found unconscious. (Maybe he was auditioning for a part in Jackass – The Movie.)

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

The gift that just keeps giving...say, five to ten years maybe?... Two teenaged boys who worked for an electronics retailer in Tyler, Texas, figured a way to activate the gift cards that the store sells and went on a little shopping spree. But alas, when they tried to purchase a Palm^™ Pilot, a minidisc recorder and some video games, they were stopped at the checkout counter. The discerning cashier suspected something was up when she ran the gift card through the register and noticed that the boys didn’t opt for the usual $20, $50 or $100 on their card. They made a card worth $100,000.  (I think the boys should have included a handheld calculator amongst their “purchases.”)

The judge knew without a doubt that the accused had rocks in her head... A woman was scheduled to appear in court in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, but, when she approached the bench, a sheriff’s deputy noticed a plastic bag protruding from her braided hair. Upon further investigation, the bag was found to contain 28 rocks of cocaine. When confronted about her unorthodox coiffure, she claimed that she found the baggie in the courthouse bathroom and it must have accidentally gotten caught in her hair when she was putting it up. (She needs to loosen her braids a little...I think they’re exacting a toll on her mental faculties.)

Too bad the “lookout” didn’t see this coming... Three aspiring robbers in Italy planned to rob a postal worker by flashing a toy gun. Things didn’t go as planned, however, because they drew too much attention to themselves. How? you ask. They got into a fight with each other on the street because none of them wanted to be the lookout guy. (Now they’re arguing about who sleeps on the top bunk, the bottom bunk and the floor.)

Finger Lickin’ Dumb... In West Philadelphia, a man who tried to rob the branch of Kentucky Fried Chicken where he was employed, turned up for work three days later as if nothing had happened. The 19-year-old man didn’t wear a mask or any disguise and did not try to hide or conceal his face during the robbery. He didn’t get any cash since he apparently did not know the safe he tried to force his boss to open was time locked. (“OK, so I tried to rob you – just let it go! OK?”)