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Above and Beyond

IN SEARCH OF INTELLIGENT LIFE

By James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

       The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds.  But all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth.  Read the following true accounts and see if you agree:

I got a “hole” lotta love for you... If you run out of ideas for the perfect Valentine’s Day gift for your sweetheart next year, consider this: Give him/her a hole!  He/she will love it! Yes, simply call the city of Covington, Kentucky, and they will dedicate one of the town’s many potholes to your loved one. The mayor of Covington said, “This is an opportunity for people to find their favorite pothole in the city and dedicate it to their loved one. It’s something that people would drive by hundreds of times a day.” (Giving the gift that keeps on giving... and giving...)

Cruel and unusual punishment?... A Miami Beach judge sentenced a man to listen to an opera as punishment for playing loud rap music in his car. The judge told the accused, “You impose your music on me and I’m going to impose my music on you.” Given the choice of paying a $500 fine or listening to an opera, the man reportedly chose opera and had to spend over two and a half hours in the judge’s chambers listening to “La Traviata.” (“But, you’re not done yet, pal.  The fat lady still has to sing.”)

“Awwk, Polly wants to see the freakin’ Queen!”... A foulmouthed parrot which resides aboard a British Royal Navy ship and shouts, among other things, “Show us your [breasts]” was stowed away on the ship before a recent weekend’s visit by Queen Elizabeth. Sunny, an African gray parrot, caused a stir when her obscene rantings could be heard even though she was locked in a cupboard during a recent visit by Her Majesty. (God save the Queen...from this bird.)

If I stand here long enough, maybe I can steal his hat, too... A man stole a Dutch cop’s cell phone right out of his parked patrol car in Amsterdam. That in itself was stupid enough, but it gets worse (or better). When the cop noticed his phone was missing, he used another officer’s cell phone to dial his own number and, much to his surprise, he heard it ringing in the pocket of the thief who was still standing nearby. (Can you hear me arresting you now?)

Listen, pal, I’m busy committing multiple felonies here!... A man was sitting at a red light in Allentown, Pennsylvania, waiting to go. But, when it turned green, the car in front of him didn’t move – it seems the driver was chatting with a pedestrian on the sidewalk. The driver said, “I rolled down my window and told him to move or pull over,” said the man. “He immediately began to curse at me. I believe he did not know I was a police officer.” The officer, who was driving an unmarked police car, pulled the man over. It turned out that the driver was driving with a suspended license. But, wait, there’s more – he was carrying cocaine and a large amount of cash, and the car he was driving was stolen. (Reason #427 why cops love their jobs)

I guess the procedure wasn’t “foolproof”... To prove to police that he wasn’t carrying a weapon at a bank in Durham, North Carolina, a man opened his backpack for inspection. A police officer then looked in and immediately saw a note which read: “I want $10,000 in $100 bills. Don’t push no buttons or I’ll shoot you.” (Let me guess – you were holding that note for someone else.)

It seems the chief liked to work “under covers”... A New Jersey police chief was suspended after his detectives (while staking out a brothel) allegedly caught him leaving the building while he was off duty.  Runnemede borough officials say the chief was suspended without pay and charged with promoting prostitution. A council spokesman said, “The mayor and council are shocked and disappointed by the chief’s arrest. However, the safety of the residents will not be affected by this incident.” (This is a perfect example of how NOT to make sergeant.)

“All right, first things first. Hand over all of your .22 ammo”... A man wandered into a 7-Eleven® in Dania Beach, Florida, with his shirt pulled over his head and carrying a .22 caliber rifle. Just as he pointed the rifle at the clerk, it dawned on him that he’d forgotten to load his gun! The crook then lowered the gun and began rummaging through his pockets trying to find his bullets. Finally, he found the ammo, but couldn’t load it into the weapon because, it seems, our “gifted” robber had brought the wrong ammunition. By this time, the clerk and the customers in the store realized they were dealing with a buffoon and decided to jump him. They held him down until the cops arrived. (And, while you’re handing over all your money, can you show me how to load this gun?)

Then the cops nailed her... At a home improvement store in Normal, Illinois, employees spotted a woman they thought was disabled because she showed a severe limp as she walked out of the store. It turns out that her disability was not physical – it was mental. She was trying to carry five full-sized nail guns out of the store under her dress. (Was this lady’s dress the size of a circus tent?)

Who sez “White men can’t jump”?... Police in Franklin Township, New Jersey, charged a 20-year-old man with shoplifting two pythons from the Animal Trax pet shop and driving away with them. How do you think they were able to catch this guy? Well, it seems one of the snakes had wriggled out of his pocket during the getaway, wrapped itself around his leg, and bit him in the “groin area.” (Better break out the “Jaws of Life” for this guy)

Hey, am I gonna be on TV?... In Columbus, Ohio, police added a musical twist to the booby-trapped car they leave out to entice would-be thieves. The city’s so-called “bait car” is now rigged to play the theme from the television show “Cops” when officers remotely disable the engine and nab the crooks. A videotape recently shot on the car’s hidden cameras shows a man hopping into the driver’s seat and muttering to himself, “I got me a good one.” The thief drove a short distance before cops flipped a switch which disabled the engine and locked the door. Then, the car’s tape player can be heard blaring the tune from the television show’s opening credits. (How about also playing, “I Fought the Law and the Law Won”?)

Causing quite a buzz in the courtroom... To protest what he felt was a sting operation by prosecutors, a man came to court in Olathe, Kansas, wearing a bumblebee costume, complete with yellow stripes, cloth wings and a foot long stinger. A district judge did not find the man’s attire amusing and told him that, even though there is not a rule prohibiting the wearing of such an outfit in court, he had a duty to uphold court decorum. The man told the judge that he did not mean any contempt to the court and vowed never to do it again. (If you’re trying to upset a lawyer, may I suggest a nice shark costume.)

Just a word about the harmful effects of microwaves on the brain... A New Orleans man was arrested after calling police to complain he’d been ripped off trying to trade a microwave oven for crack cocaine.  The 32-year-old had showed a sheriff’s deputy a crack pipe he said he’d used to smoke what turned out to be fake cocaine. A sheriff’s deputy tested the off-white rock – it showed no traces of cocaine. The chief of the sheriff’s special investigations division, which conducts drugs investigations, said he can’t recall anyone ever asking a deputy to look at their drug paraphernalia, initiating their own arrest. (I know that microwave oven is in a better place now.)