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Above and Beyond

IN SEARCH OF INTELLIGENT LIFE

By James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

 The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds. But, all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth. Read the following true accounts and see if you agree:

Idiots in Search of a Village

“HEY! Who do you think you are, the CEO of a big company?”... In Englewood, Colorado, a 42-year-old man was hired as a 7-Eleven® clerk. His first night on the job was a great one – police say he cleaned out the store. A manager found the store unattended around 5:00 a.m. the next morning. Missing were 1,938 packs of cigarettes, $1,200 worth of prepaid calling cards, 643 lottery tickets, 15 cell phones and $1,500 in cash. “The whole caper is on videotape,” said a detective. “His whole shift he spends drinking beer and gathering things to steal. It’s unreal.” (Ironically, my wife says when I drink beer, she can’t get me to clean out anything.)

I’ve heard of having a monkey on your back, but... A 45-year-old man was sentenced to 57 days in jail for a smuggling caper on a flight to Los Angeles. The man had four endangered songbirds and 50 illegal orchids stuffed into his luggage. When an inspector opened one of his bags to check its contents, one bird flew down an airport corridor. The agent asked him if he had anything else. He replied, “Yes, I’ve got monkeys in my pants.” It turned out that he actually had two endangered pygmy monkeys from Thailand in his pants. (That would explain his repeated requests for extra peanuts during the flight.)

WHAT DO WE WANT? (Food!) WHEN DO WE WANT IT? (Now!)... A Boston city councilman, who opposed the war in Iraq, announced back in January that he was going on a hunger strike to protest U.S. policy. He said he would begin a liquid only regimen, but then limited that to daylight hours (which meant he could eat dinner and, theoretically, breakfast).  He later modified his gallant plan again to mean that he would only adhere to this hardship diet on the second and fourth Fridays of each month. (...and only eat those foods that start with “a,” “b,” “c,” “d,” or “e.”)

It’s always nice to hear from another nuclear power... A group of Russian train conductors needed hospital treatment after smashing their heads repeatedly against a train window to find out who had the strongest forehead. The conductors came up with the contest as a way of passing time on the 3,000 mile journey from Novosibirsk in Siberia to Vladivostok. The men were treated at a hospital after stopping the train midway through the journey demanding medical help. (I always thought you weren’t allowed to beat your head against the train until after its come to a complete stop.)

Gee, I wonder what he’s got planned for the empty space inside his skull?... A man in Kansas City, Missouri, auctioned the back of his head as advertising space and now has to display a company logo for five years. The walking billboard auctioned the back of his head for about $7,500 on eBay. An Internet company in Texas won the auction and now has their company logo tattooed on the back of the man’s head.  His tattoo took over four hours to complete. He said he auctioned his head in order to help pay for his own business.  “It’s going to be something unique which nobody’s done before and it’s better than going to a bank for a business loan,” he said. (Five years? Aren’t tattoos sort of permanent?)

Fresh out of foghorns, eh?... German police have confiscated an air raid siren from a 73-year-old man who used it to stun his wife into submission. He told the officers, “My wife never lets me get a word in edgewise.  So, I crank up the siren and let it rip for a few minutes. It works every time. Afterwards, it’s real quiet again.” A police spokesman said neighbors had complained of the noise from the 220 volt device. The man’s wife of 32 years said she sometimes had to yell to get his attention. “My husband is a stubborn mule so I have to get loud.” (In this country, we also have a device for neutralizing nagging wives – it’s the volume control on the remote.)

Juris-crude-ance?... In Tallahassee, the State Supreme Court reprimanded a judge and ordered him to write letters of apology to 12 people he offended with belittling courtroom remarks. The Court said it would have taken even stronger action for the ethics violations, but the circuit judge admitted fault and was undergoing behavioral therapy. The Court’s opinion cited 13 examples of the judge’s misconduct. Once, addressing a defense attorney, he allegedly said, “Do you know what I think of your argument?” and then pushed a button on a device which simulated the sound of a toilet flushing.  (Quick, sign him up to do a syndicated TV show!)

Let me guess – he failed to negotiate a “low speed turn.”... In Wheaton, Minnesota, a 29-year-old man stole a farm tractor (which happened to have an 18 foot wide chisel plow in tow) and tried to outrun pursuing police cars at the breakneck speed of 20 miles per hour as he headed into North Dakota.  The “chase” came to a prolonged, but abrupt, end when he crashed the tractor. (It kind of makes you think OJ was in the back.)

The mother of all shoplifters... A woman from Rutland, Vermont, was caught trying to leave a supermarket with 100 items hidden in her coat, purse and bags – $787 worth of goods in all.  She hid watches, videotapes, ice cream, meats, frozen foods and stationery.  It took her about two hours to amass her stash. The judge said, “This is about as bizarre a retail theft as I’ve seen.” (I wonder what she looks like after leaving the breakfast bar at Denny’s.)

Attention all cars! Be on the lookout for a giant pickle with arms!... Timothy Baker was back in jail in Waco, Texas, hours after he had escaped while being held for aggravated robbery. His getaway had taken him to Baylor University, where he broke into a building in order to find a change of clothes from his orange jail jumpsuit. It turns out that the building was the Fine Arts Center and the man inadvertently raided a costume closet. He chose what he thought were the most inconspicuous clothes and donned a 19th century green wool costume (with rubber galoshes). He was spotted on the street and rearrested. (I think I saw Steve McQueen do the exact same thing in The Great Escape.)

“Hello, room service? Would you please send some ammo up to our room so we can rob you?... Two men checked into the Red Roof Inn with their girlfriends in Colorado Springs, Colorado. These guys were apparently a little short of cash and reasoned that the motel office would be a good source of bucks. So, just moments after checking in, they charged into the lobby and demanded cash. The employee handed over all the cash to the two men, expecting them to “get out of Dodge” as quickly as possible. But, no, the men simply headed back upstairs to their hotel room only to be arrested there a short time later. (Do you think they checked in under their real names, too?)

Witness(es) for the prosecution?... Two men went to trial for aggravated assault and robbery in Perryton, Texas. While the female victim testified that she had been beaten and robbed by two men, the district attorney asked if the two men who had committed the crime were present. But, before she could say anything, both of these knuckleheads raised their hands. (“The prosecution rests!”)

This Just In

I think we’re gonna need backup!...  A Canadian man had to be rescued by police after his cat went berserk and trapped him in a bathroom. He was finally rescued by two police officers and an animal control officer who managed to subdue the seven-year-old cat. The pet was snarling and hissing at the bathroom door in the house near Greenwood, Nova Scotia, when the owner arrived. (He probably told the cat he was going to “see a man about a dog.”)

Where is Judge Judy when you need her?... A Chinese man took his neighbor to court because his neighbor’s mynah bird keeps verbally abusing him. The victim told the court in Beijing that his neighbor encouraged his pet to squawk “[Man’s Name] is a bastard” for several months. He brought tapes of the bird in action to court and asked that his neighbor be ordered to apologize and pay him $300 in compensation. There was laughter in the courtroom as the tapes were played and the judge ruled the evidence was not strong enough to support the man’s case. (I wonder if the complainant can mimic the sound of a mynah bird being fed through a wood chipper.)

That’s one hell of a solution!... In Rockhampton, Queensland, Australia, a city council committee is recommending that the city pay $60,000 to install a bunch of streetlights they don’t need. Why?  Because when one currently looks over the city from atop a nearby mountain and tries real hard to convince themselves, they can actually see a group of streetlights in the city spell out the word “hell.”  So, the committee is proposing that a circular collection of streetlights be added so the word would become “hello.” Not surprisingly, the city council voted down the proposal. (And, if you look really, really hard, you can see the streetlights spell out, “Committees around here are run by idiots.”)

Jury duty is a bitch... In California, the Sacramento jury commissioner’s office warned that if Lucille Marie Gordon did not show up to her allotted jury duty date, there would be a bench warrant issued for her arrest. Someone close to Lucille thought this was hilarious. Why? Because Lucille, or Lucy, is her dog. Last year, the chocolate Labrador retriever received a summons for jury duty in Sacramento Superior Court. The dog’s owner read the summons and sent the form back in. Writing where it reads, “affidavit for disqualification,” she put, “Lucy is a dog.” But, recently, Lucy received another summons. When the owner called the office, the employee claimed they had heard every excuse imaginable. She finally ended up having to show proof. (Lucy might not serve too well on the jury, especially if a cat was the defendant.)

What are lawyers good for?  Read on...  The Struthers Elementary School in Ohio is seeking the suspension of a six-year-old student on a “dangerous weapons violation.” It seems our young “terrorist” took a plastic butter knife from the school cafeteria and put it in his backpack so he could take it home and show his mother that he learned how to butter his toast by himself.  The lad is now facing a possible six month suspension.  The parents have hired a lawyer and say that, if the school continues to seek a suspension, they will retaliate by seeking to have criminal charges brought against the school for supplying weapons to children. (It would seem that a certain elementary school principal needs to retake “Common Sense 101.”)