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Above and Beyond

IN SEARCH OF INTELLIGENT LIFE

By James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

 The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds. But, all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth. Read the following true accounts and see if you agree:

Masked Marvels

“But, officer, I meant to say ‘Trick or treat!’”… A bank robber in Salt Lake City, Utah, wanted to be sure he got the job done right, so he got there early. In fact, he got to the bank before it opened.  He slipped his mask on and patiently waited outside until an employee unlocked the door. Then, he got in line where he waited with other “customers” for his turn. “You have to wonder what the other customers were thinking,” said a sheriff’s spokesman. Once the 36-year-old robber made his move, several customers jumped him and held him for police.  (I think the other “customers” made it pretty clear what they were thinking when they jumped him.)

This is what happens when the brain is deprived of oxygen… A man planned to rob a bank in Charlotte, North Carolina. To conceal his identity, he put a paper bag over his head, but he put the bag on while he was in his car a few blocks away. Alert drivers in passing cars called the cops to alert them of a suspicious man driving a car wearing a bag over his head. Once inside the bank, he could not be understood because he forgot to cut a mouth hole in the bag. After repeating himself several times, he finally got his point across and was given a handful of money. He ran out of the bank and into the waiting arms of police officers.  (I can just picture this guy pulling the bag off of his head in front of the teller and then filling it with the stolen money.)

It’s usually the customer who gets “shorted”… A would-be robber fled empty-handed in South Carolina after a filling station attendant burst out laughing at his makeshift mask. The man walked into the filling station, in Newberry County, wearing a black T-shirt and a pair of red undershorts over his head. He arranged his mask so he could see through an armhole and a leg opening. A sheriff’s spokesman said, “She literally burst into laughter.” In fact, she laughed so hard she couldn’t get the cash drawer open. Deputies arrested the 37-year-old local man believed to be responsible. They found the black T-shirt and red undershorts at his home, adding, “He had a bad night!”  (Another supervillain from the Batman series – “Underwear Head.”)

Idiots In Search of a Village

“No, no, you’re not holding it right.  Here, let me show you.”… A police detective in Manhattan, New York, scared the hell out of fellow police officers at the crowded West 10th Street station house when he handed a prisoner his 9mm handgun in response to the prisoner’s remark that “Without your gun, you’re sh**.”  The detective then asked the stunned prisoner, “Okay, now what are you going to do?” The prisoner had enough sense to hand the gun (loaded with 16 rounds) back to the officer. The officer was suspended for “the good of the department.” (There’s probably written policy somewhere advising not to do that.)

Morons and the women who love them… In Albuquerque, New Mexico, a man had a big fight with his girlfriend. He then concocted a plan:  He laced her drink with a knockout drug. But, not being the brightest bulb in the box, when he brought the drinks out, he forgot which one was laced and which one wasn’t. Yup, you guessed it – he drank the wrong one. He collapsed and hit his head on the coffee table moments after announcing to her that he had drugged her drink. He’s under arrest. (A fool and his front teeth are soon parted.)

Maybe he was part man/part squirrel… A man walked into the sheriff’s department in La Porte County, Indiana, to post bond for a buddy who had been arrested the night before. While the cops were taking care of the paperwork, he sat down nearby and fell fast asleep. Soon he began to snore – very loudly.  When an officer approached to wake him, he noticed something dangling from inside his mouth – two plastic bags of rock cocaine. The officer pulled out the bags while the man continued snoozing. He was arrested when he woke up. (“Like, wow, man, you wouldn’t believe the dream I just had.”)

Looking for love in all the wrong places… When you’re on the lookout to hook up with a random woman, you might want to head to a place where a lot of females hang out. However, such a strategy does not apply to women’s prisons. Two sex starved knuckleheads were hitting the sauce pretty heavily at a local nightclub when they came up with the idea to score chicks at Maldon’s Tarrengower Prison. Thinking the inmates would be a sure thing, the men tried to breach the penitentiary walls. They were caught and charged with trespassing after failing miserably. One prison source commented that it was hard enough trying to keep prisoners in the facility let alone keeping people out as well.  (I smell a possible theme for a new reality TV show.)

Now, that’s a “handgun”!… A man may have pulled the worst fake gun robbery attempt of all time at a pharmacy in Neillsville, Wisconsin. As if putting your thumb and forefinger in your pocket to simulate a concealed weapon weren’t bad enough, this guy forgot the whole “pocket” part. The masked man allegedly tried to rob the place by forming his gloved hand into the shape of a gun. A witness said the suspect didn’t bother to hide his pointed finger under a jacket or anything. The pharmacy owner saw right through the ploy and wrestled with the “armed” suspect, ripping off his mask. The accused would-be robber ran away and was arrested a short time later.  Police did not say whether or not he was charged with “armed” robbery.  (“Excuse me, Mr. Robber, but I think the barrel of your ‘gun’ could use a little manicuring.”)

Uhhh, I’ll see you and raise you 43… A 32-year-old man who had just plead guilty to 42 burglary charges in an Attalla, Alabama, courtroom was rearrested after swiping his lawyer’s portable tape recorder from the defense table.  (I hope the corrections officers maintain a pretty firm grip on their keys.)

So, would you like to come back to my place?… In Naples, Florida, customers said they grew suspicious when they spotted a man scurrying out of a Red Lobster with a wiggling lobster under his arm. The man, who was later arrested, said he’d grown tired of waiting in line for a table.  (The police had a tough time buying his excuse that he was only “taking his pet lobster out for a walk.”)

This Just In

“Hang on, let me grab my list of unsolved crimes.”… In store stereo technicians installing a car stereo in Orem, Utah, found a bag of marijuana in the customer’s vehicle and called the police. An officer confronted the customer and asked if he knew why he was being questioned. The suspect hung his head and said, “It’s about the bicycle I just stole from in front of Media Play, isn’t it?’” a police spokesman recounted. “Yes, that’s it, and…?” The man replied, “It’s about the marijuana pipe I have in my truck, right?” The officer said, “Yes, and…?” The 19-year-old man said he couldn’t think of anything else, so the officer reminded him about the pot in the vehicle and cited him for all three crimes. (They say confession is good for the soul.  It’s not, however, good for your appearance in court.)

Keep this guy far away from any priceless art theft cases!… In Jefferson County, Alabama, a sheriff’s deputy burned up $2,100 in cash because he says he was told to destroy all the evidence in an associated case. “We’re rewriting the policy,” says the sheriff. “We’re increasing the supervision on that and we’ll take the appropriate disciplinary actions to make sure, in a commonsense way, that members of my department do not burn up money.” The deputy passed a polygraph test.  (In case you ever wondered where Barney went after Andy decided not to run for reelection…)

Smile!  You’re on not so “Candid Camera”!… In Cincinnati, a wanted man was arrested after his parole officer spotted him kissing his girlfriend in a live crowd shot displayed on the scoreboard at a Cincinnati Reds game. The man and his parole officer attended the same game when the smooching couple were caught by the “Kiss Cam” at Great American Ball Park. The parole officer and a police officer arrested the 24-year-old man in his front row seat.  (“…and the count was one strike and one bawl.”)

Who says there’s no justice in the world today?… In Houston, Texas, a 52-year-old man who won $5.5 million in the state lottery has been ordered to give it up because he bought the winning ticket with money made selling cocaine. His lawyers argued that the ticket was purchased with cash from selling old clothes, but a jury in Federal court in Brownsville, Texas, disagreed and ruled he had to forfeit the cash.  He was arrested just three days after collecting the $5.5 million for selling 36 grams of cocaine to an undercover agent. (Do not pass “Go,” do not collect 5.5 million dollars.)

The easy thing to do would be to make a “baton joke” right about now… A police officer responding to a noise complaint went to a bachelorette party in Gainesville, Florida, and he was mistaken as the entertainment. The partygoers thought he was the stripper they ordered and didn’t realize he was legitimate until he drove away with the bride-to-be in handcuffs. “They didn’t go so far as to try and grab him,” said a Gainesville Police sergeant, “but they were wondering when the show would start.” When he was taking her to his car, everyone thought he was the stripper and everyone said, “OK, the warning has gone far enough. Are you going to start stripping?” When the officer first arrived, he issued a noise warning and, as part of procedure, he also ran a warrants check on the bride-to-be. That’s when he found that the 24-year-old woman had an outstanding warrant for a violation of probation.  (Hey, is that a gun in your holster or are you just glad to see me?)