Go

Above and Beyond

IN SEARCH OF INTELLIGENT LIFE

By James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

 The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds. But, all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth. Read the following true accounts and see if you agree:

I think we can assume that croutons are not “brain food”... Despite the 39 day waiting list for brain operations at the Queens Medical Center in Nottingham, England, the hospital suspended a neurosurgeon (with 18 years of service). There wasn’t a problem with his work – he was accused of taking extra croutons for his soup in the hospital cafeteria without paying. (Well, of course, anyone stealing food from a hospital cafeteria should be having brain surgery, not performing it.)

“Maybe Kinko’s will print these for me”... Police in South Africa say a drug dealer placed brochures (with his telephone number printed on them) advertising his illegal drug business on car windshields at several shopping malls. He’s now out of business. (Couldn’t he afford to pay for an ad in the Yellow Pages?)

“So, where’s the off button on this system?”... At a computer store in Irvine, California, two guards who worked for a security company which installs surveillance cameras were taped by their own system installing equipment and then, before finishing the job, trying to steal six flat screen computer monitors from the business. (Fulfilling a lifelong dream to be on TV)

“This just in: Burglars help police ‘unravel’ a restaurant burglary scheme...” A 21-year-old man and his teenage accomplice were arrested in Austin, Minnesota, after allegedly burglarizing the Tendermade Restaurant. Officers who were dispatched to the scene noticed that the cash register tape had come unspooled outside. They followed the 100 foot long roll into some bushes where the two were hiding. (This illustrates why it is always wise to check your receipts!)

“Don’t mind us.  We’re just ‘cutting up’ the loot from our last job”... Two men were arrested in the parking lot of the Wal-Mart® in Athens, Texas, after they were allegedly spotted by several people sitting in their car carefully cutting out individual counterfeit bills from larger sheets they had just printed. (Not the time or place to act like a couple of “cut-ups!”)

“I’m calling to report my robbery in progress”... A man planned to hold up a local Dairy Mart in Plainville, Connecticut. As part of his plan, he called 9-1-1 to report a robbery happening at another Dairy Mart across town. He figured the cops would go to that location so the coast would be clear for him to pull off his heist. His plan wasn’t bad – and may have worked – except for one small detail. Instead of giving them the address of the Dairy Mart across town, he got confused and gave them the address of the one he was going to rob. The cops showed up just as he was pulling the heist and arrested him on the spot. (I’ll be back for that ice cream cone...in about seven to ten years!)

More proof that mind altering drugs...alter the mind!... A woman has been arrested in Ohio after calling police several times trying to buy drugs. The 27-year-old called the police station three times trying to arrange the drug deal. A police spokesman said: “It’s the worst case of a misdialed phone number I’ve ever seen.” Initially, the drug buy was supposed to take place at an empty gas station, but she called the police and asked them to meet her at the McDonald’s nearby because she didn’t want to seem too obvious or suspicious. (OK, we’ll meet you at the McDonald’s, but, to make sure we know it’s you, we need you to wait there with your feet apart and your hands behind your head!)

This is what happens when stupid people try the “old bait and switch”... A German thief was arrested after accidentally giving a victim his own wallet. It happened after three men forced a 29-year-old victim to hand them his wallet at a train station. They stole his money and intended to hand him back his empty wallet, but one of the thieves accidentally handed the man his own wallet instead. It contained plenty of his identification and police quickly caught and arrested the man. (“Hey, this wallet has more money in it now than when I gave it to you!”)

“Dammit!  Why do I always get stuck driving the LG on patrol duty?”... Italian police have been given something of a helping hand in their bid to catch crooks. The latest addition to their fleet of cars is a Lamborghini sports car with a top speed of 192 mph. The two seat Lamborghini Gallardo will be used along highways in southern Italy. The car, a gift from the Italian car factory, uses a V-10 cylinder, DOHC, four valve V90 5L, 500hp engine.  (In comparison, it makes the Impala cop cars seem like go-karts.)

When the tattoo doesn’t fit – you must acquit!... In Toronto, Canada, a man kept insisting while under oath that his name was not Wilson. When the judge pointed out to him that the name “Wilson” was tattooed in big letters across his back, he offered up a brilliant explanation. He told the judge, “I can’t see what’s on my back. If there’s some tattoos on my back, somebody’s been messing with me while I’m asleep.” The judge didn’t buy it and he was charged with perjury. (Didn’t buy it? Don’t we all know someone who was unknowingly tattooed in their sleep?)

Thinking “outside the box”... A 44-year-old woman was arrested in Lexington, North Carolina, after trying to spring her incarcerated boyfriend from jail. Deputies say the woman, who had been seated across from her boyfriend at a visiting room bench, was found with a mini blowtorch and other tools trying to cut through the Plexiglas® shield which separates prisoners from visitors. It turns out that her efforts generated more smoke than she expected.  (I guess a jackhammer would have drawn too much attention.)

“ ’At’s right, mate, one false move and I blow it”... Trains in London were halted for half an hour when a train driver mistook a musician with an Australian didgeridoo (a musical wind instrument) for a terrorist with a grenade launcher. (Word to the wise: Listening to the didgeridoo being played will make your ears feel like they’re under attack!)

Clearly, we’ve lost the war on terrorism... Girl Scout troops in Martin County, Florida, decided to have a Mother’s Day “scavenger hunt” at the Treasure Coast Square Mall. Fathers were to accompany their daughters and go “window shopping” for items on the hunt list, marking them off as they spotted them, and then shop for a nice present for Mom when they were done. At least 150 father/daughter pairs signed up, but mall management wouldn’t allow the hunt because of “security” concerns in the post-9/11 world. “Since September 11, we have looked at our security procedures very closely,” said a mall spokeswoman. First, “How do we know they’re Girl Scouts?” But, more importantly, “Our enhanced security prohibits us from hosting events which allow participants to wander freely around the mall area.”  (Hey, just because you see one 5'10" Girl Scout with a beard, dark sunglasses and an AK-47, it doesn’t mean they’re all terrorists!)

“Gosh, I sure hope the cops are here just to direct traffic!”... Two men robbed a bank in Middlebury, Indiana, hopped into their getaway car and sped off to make a quick exit from town, going west on Highway 20. The men learned that it pays to do a little research before committing a crime. They didn’t get very far before they found themselves stuck in a huge traffic jam caused by a highway construction project. The police simply walked up to the car and arrested them. (Traffic troubles got you down?  Ha-ha, snicker, snicker)

“No, officer, that’s our beer truck out front – big party this Saturday!”...  A couple of geniuses in Omaha, Nebraska, set up a methamphetamine lab inside their house. One of the primary ingredients in the manufacture of “meth” is anhydrous ammonia which usually comes in relatively small canisters. But, these guys opted for larger quantities. They got their hands on a 9,600 gallon tanker truck full of ammonia and parked the 18-wheeler in front of their house. They then ran a hose from the tank to the inside of the house. Yes, the cops found it worthy of their interest. (If they only would have checked, they would have found that their neighborhood was not zoned for illicit “meth” labs.) n