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Above and Beyond

In Search Of Intelligent Life

By James L. McClinton, Ph.D  
Charleston County, SC, Sheriff’s Office

The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds.  But all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth.  Read the following true accounts and see if you agree:

Crime and Passion

Bigamy – a crime with built-in punishment... A woman in Muncie, Indiana, was poring over her local newspaper as was her routine, but she suddenly recognized a name in the marriage license listings – her husband’s. She called the police who charged her 26-year-old husband with bigamy, a felony in Indiana. (Undaunted by the prospect of having two mothers-in-law at the same time?!?)

This may be the day pigs start to fly... A 55-year-old woman, testifying on behalf of her “husband” of 15 years, who was on trial for fraud in Boston, said she is still devoted to him and hopes they can turn their lives around together. She had just heard the government introduce solid evidence that her husband (to her surprise) is not an Air Force general; that he is not legally married to her (because of a still valid earlier marriage); that the reason he had spent only one night a week with her during their marriage was not because he was on secret intelligence missions; that the reasons for thousands of dollars in and out of her bank account during their “marriage” was to serve his real family and various scams; and that the reason she had not heard from him during a four month period in 1994 was because he was in prison. (And someone had better tell the missus not to expect that pension check from Her Majesty’s Secret Service, either.)

Idiots in Search of a Village

Ha Ha, the joke’s on the cops – he got his jail uniform back!...  Sheriff’s deputies patrolling a music festival in Pasco County, Florida, couldn’t help but notice that a 25-year-old Lakeland man was wearing a bright orange uniform marked “Polk County Jail.” The jail confirmed the uniform was stolen, apparently when he was released from there earlier this year. Deputies confiscated the suit and sent him on his way. But, when his probation officer got the police report on the incident, he ordered his arrest: He was supposed to be on home detention and had sworn that he had stayed home that weekend. He’s now back in the Polk County Jail. (They say, “Clothes make the man,” but this guy is a moron, regardless of what he chooses to wear.)

Guard shows officials what he’s made of... A judge on an inspection visit to a Brazilian jail discovered a straw scarecrow dressed in a police uniform on the watchtower “guarding” some 735 jailbirds. The judge removed the scarecrow which had apparently been manning the watchtower for days and took it to court as evidence. Police opened an investigation. (So, what are they gonna do with the “Employee of the Month” plaque now?)

Darwin was partially right – some of us did evolve from apes... Police got a call in Madisonville, Kentucky, and dispatched officers when it was reported that two trucks were being driven strangely on a rural road. A man would drive one truck 100 yards or so, stop, walk back to the second truck, drive it 100 yards past the first truck, then walk back to the first truck, drive it and so on. The police asked this guy what he thought he  was doing. He replied that his brother was passed out drunk in one of the trucks so he was driving both of them home. What? Oh yeah, he was also drunk and was arrested for DUI. (“E-e-Yes-Sir-e-e, Awcifur, it’s a close race, but [hic] I’m still in first place!”)

Hey, what are friends for?... In Los Angeles, a man who found $203,000 which had fallen from an armored truck and returned it says he now has lost all of his friends because they think he “is an idiot.” (I’ll bet his “friends” will come back if they hear he’s getting a $50,000 reward – free and clear!)

Surely, al Qaeda must be behind this insanity... Security screeners at Los Angeles International Airport confiscated the tiny replica rifle which they found in a G.I. Joe® soldier toy package because the word for this item has the letters “g-u-n” in it. The British tourist whose G.I. Joe was deemed a security threat said, “I was simply stunned when I realized they were serious. Security ‘examined the toy as if it was going to shoot them.’ ” And, security screeners at Central Wisconsin Airport in Mosinee confiscated a two inch rubber, bendable, G.I. Joe toy rifle, calling it a security threat, for the same exact reason as the security screeners in Los Angeles. But, these geniuses took it up a notch when they threatened to destroy the toy. (I, for one, take great comfort in knowing that neither myself nor the plane’s crew is at risk for being skyjacked by a 12 inch rubber toy soldier.)

Hello, friend!  Welcome to my private little “boot” camp... Drivers unfortunate enough to park in Cat Crosby’s assigned parking spaces in Alexandria, Virginia, will probably get to meet her in person because she watches for violators from the monitor camera in her office. Whenever she spots one, she attaches an actual parking boot on the car so it cannot be moved. She typically has confrontations two to three times a week with drivers who don’t believe a private citizen can boot a vehicle. But, Crosby refuses to remove the boot until the offender pays her a $25 fine which often prompts a police response (they have to tell angry drivers it actually is legal for her to boot their vehicle). Crosby, who runs Kiniko Industrial Corp., works at an office complex where parking is scarce. (I assume this little lady is unarmed and, therefore, very brave...or very stupid!)

Nun but the brave... A Warwickshire, England, man has begun dressing as a nun when he drives because he was fed up with aggressive drivers. The 40-year-old man says other drivers are much nicer when he’s wearing his habit, giving up parking spaces for him and waving him through intersections first. He says it all started when he went to a costume party dressed as a nun and noticed how polite motorists were to him. “The habit’s the answer to my prayers,” he said. (OK, OK, we can buy that.  But, how do you explain the lip gloss, rouge and stiletto heels? H-m-m-m-m???)

It Ain’t Correct, but It Is Political

This woman obviously had a troubled childhood... The principal of Franklin Elementary School in Santa Monica, California, banned the game Tag at lunchtime. She says that, “Whoever is ‘it’ is a ‘victim,’ which creates a self-esteem issue.” (And, along the same lines, the game “hopscotch” will be renamed to avoid any connection to alcohol.)

More adults with unresolved childhood issues... The Los Angeles Times said a handful of school districts in six states have banned dodgeball, intending to save kids from the violence and hurt feelings which result from humans throwing objects at other humans. (And, when they get older, each child can be homecoming king or queen, valedictorian and class president, too. That way, no one feels inadequate.)

“Yeah! So there, JERKS!”... A company in Churchgate, England, which advertised for a “friendly person” to work as its catering manager, was informed that its ad had been banned by the government because of “possible discrimination” against people who are not friendly. (In case you ever wondered how the government hires its employees, this should give you some insight.)

It Takes a Thief

Sorry – no deposit(s), no return... Three men broke into a closed Chicago restaurant and pried the ATM machine from its bolts. They then attempted to toss the contraption into the backseat of their 1993 Cadillac DeVille. It’s a large car, but not large enough. So, they took off with the back door half open and the ATM partially hanging out. Predictably, this attracted a police officer who pulled them over and made the arrest. It seems their efforts were in vain, anyway. The ATM had been out of order – and money – for more than two years. And, the restaurant owner had been trying to figure out how to get rid of the useless machine. (This gives me hope that a thief may someday steal my neighbor’s valuable’75 Dodge Dart which has been sitting in his backyard.)

Strong arm, weak mind... A man strolled into a drugstore in Columbus, Ohio, latched onto the cash register, pulled it off the counter and hightailed it. The strong-arm thief was in such a hurry to get away that he didn’t even notice he had torn off the top part of the register, leaving the money drawers behind. The cops said it wasn’t hard to spot this knucklehead running down the street, carrying an armload of machinery with dangling wires and cables. (Running around town without your drawers is also unlawful.)

Two stooges short of a trio... After a man stole a car in Edwardsville, Pennsylvania, police were notified and alerted to be on the lookout for a stolen white vehicle. Soon afterwards, an officer on patrol noticed something strange going on in the middle of a shopping center parking lot. Upon further inspection, he discovered it was our thief busily painting the stolen white car black. He wasn’t bashful either, working away in full view of anyone and everyone in the parking lot. (“Uh-oh, better get Maaco!”)

Too late and too bad – he should have used the card to make bail... A man stole a woman’s bank debit card in London, England. Deciding to enjoy his newfound “wealth,” he headed to the local betting parlor and used the card to place two bets on horse races. The thief knew his stuff as both his horses came in and he won $450. But, the story didn’t end there. Since he used a debit card and couldn’t show a proper ID, the track simply paid the winnings into the debit card account rather than paying him in cash as he had expected. So, the real owner of the stolen card ended up with a $450 profit because, shortly thereafter, the bank stopped activity on the card and our genius was apprehended. (Sort of like a “dim-witted” Robin Hood)

I believe he’s a 1969 graduate of the “Gainesville School for the Gifted”... A 51-year-old man in Gainesville, Florida, has been charged with burglary and theft after locking himself in the car he was attempting to steal. After he managed to squirm into the 1994 Infiniti, an alarm was triggered and a security device automatically locked all the doors. There is another button on the driver’s door which would have simply released the locks, but he didn’t figure that out. Police found him crouched in the backseat, trying to hide from any onlookers. He had coins in his pockets which he had stolen from inside the car. A police sergeant said, “Maybe he needs a new line of work. He’s not very good at what he’s doing now.” (Here’s a “new line of work” he might do well in: He can design voting machines for the State of Florida.)