Go

Above and Beyond

IN SEARCH OF INTELLIGENT LIFE

By James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

 The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds.  But all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth.  Read the following true accounts and see if you agree:

Yeah, he was the one wearing the T-shirt which said, “I’m with Stupid”... A convict broke out of jail in Washington, D.C., then, a few days later, accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. When it was time for lunch, he slipped out for a sandwich. But, she needed to see him and, subsequently, had him paged. Police officers recognized his name over the loudspeaker and arrested him when he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen during his lunch break.  (She should have used a phony name to have him paged, like “Al B. Steeling or Otto M. Boosted.”)

And I thought Italy had banned “cruel and unusual punishment?”... In Italy, a prisoner was given a 72 hour pass from jail for good behavior, but he asked to go back to his cell after spending less than a day with his wife. Said a spokesman at Vigevano prison, “We got a call from him saying he couldn’t stand being with his wife and was it possible to go back to his cell.” (I have a hunch that she’s the one who needs to be locked up.)

“Hello, police? I want to report a robbery!”... A tourist was enjoying the outdoors in Montana’s Glacier National Park when he spotted a ground squirrel which seemed to be very friendly. When the squirrel came up to him, he took out his car keys and teased the squirrel with them, dangling them in front of his nose. In a flash, the squirrel snatched the keys and took them underground, never to be seen again. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he was fined by the park ranger for harassing wildlife after paying a locksmith to open the car. (This, unfortunately, cut short his plans to go out looking for wild bear cubs to play with!)

You don’t suppose the officer already had his own wad of Dunkin’ Donuts coupons, do you? Nah!... The police pulled a man over in Martin County, Florida, on suspicion of drunk driving. The officer’s suspicions were confirmed when he spotted an open bottle of rum on the front seat. He was in the process of writing out a citation when the driver concocted a brilliant scheme to get off the hook: He reached into the glove compartment and grabbed a wad of Dunkin’ Donuts coupons. With all of the sincerity he could muster, he then told the cop, “You can have all these if you’ll just let me park the car and walk home.” (All right, enough already! Please, no more doughnut-related cop jokes!)

 “But, officer, I’m not me, I’m her... and she’s not her, she’s me. But, you don’t want her, you want me and, since I’m her and not me, I’ll see you later!”... In Barstow, California, a woman was pulled over by the police for driving with expired plates. Knowing there was a warrant out for her arrest on drug charges, she claimed that she was her twin sister, Nicole. She almost pulled the charade off, but it turns out there was also a warrant out for her sister. She was arrested and now faces the additional charge of impersonating another person.  (You would think those two would stay in touch – at the very least, to compare outstanding warrants.)

Getting in touch with his inner child... In Pinconning, Michigan, police didn’t have much trouble catching an accused thief as he fled the scene in a child-sized all terrain vehicle.  As if the idea of using a child’s toy to escape wasn’t bad enough, the toy car ran out of gas as well. The man is accused of breaking into a neighbor’s shed to steal a gallon of gasoline to power the tiny ATV, which he drove to a nearby liquor store, while dragging a bag of empty bottles he had planned on redeeming for cash. The suspect parked his tiny vehicle in some weeds and went into the store where he reportedly took a bottle of beer and drank it in the restroom. Store employees called police who spotted him as he emerged from the weeds on his tiny four-wheeler. (Thank goodness this didn’t develop into a pursuit situation!)

 “Yes, and I have a lovely matching ski mask and a darling 9mm I’ll throw in to sweeten the deal”... A woman successfully robbed a bank in Martinsburg, West Virginia. She got away, but several witnesses gave the cops an accurate description of the getaway car, a late model red Jeep® Wrangler. The next day, a car matching that description was spotted in her front yard with a big “For Sale” sign on it. When an undercover officer asked her why the car was for sale, she told him she just needed to “get rid of it really, really fast.” Uniformed officers were called and she readily confessed. (“Hey, your Jeep looks much nicer than its description on the APB.”)

“About the warranty...does it cover parts and labor?”... A man has been inundated with offers for his wife after putting her up for auction on the Internet. The 35-year-old man advertised his 30-year-old wife on eBay® after she suggested it as a joke while the couple was fooling around on their computer.  His ad read: “The chassis is in excellent order for the mileage, and warranty given at extra cost.” He started the bidding at about $2.00, but people soon offered hundreds of dollars. Some even asked if they could exchange their own wives. Despite being tempted by an offer of a $16,000 motorcycle with the owner’s wife thrown in, the man decided not to sell his wife who said she was surprised by the response and added that she was “was quite flattered by some of the offers.”  (OK, you tell me – who’s the crazy one here, him or her?)

Well, now that you’ve told the whole world about it, it ain’t gonna be too “impressive” any more... A fake speed camera has been credited with halting speeding drivers racing past homes in an English village.  Two teenagers erected the cardboard fake camera in a bid to put the brakes on the speeders racing through their neighborhood. Strips of tape have also been put across the road where the box is situated, giving the impression to approaching drivers of a real speed camera at the spot. The device, which is made out of a cardboard box, painted yellow and taped to a pole, was installed by two boys, 14 and 13 years old. (So, after that stops working, have the boys stand near the road and “run radar” with a hair dryer.)

There’s just something about the bond between a man and a dog... A man in Longview, Washington, has been sniffed out four times by the same police canine. In the latest incident, he was accused of leading police on a high-speed chase in a 1980 Corvette, crashing into a tree and fleeing on foot until he was stopped by Reno, a Longview police dog. A spokesman said this is the fourth time Reno has captured the man after he ran from police. After the last incident, in October 2001, he received a five day jail sentence and a $400 fine for reckless driving and resisting arrest. (Can you imagine what the dog was thinking – “It’s déjà vu all over again.”)

“OK, I’ll be the Skipper, you can be the Professor and, I guess, that makes you Gilligan!”... Three somewhat dense teenagers in Bridgewater, Nova Scotia, Canada, stole a boat and took it for a little joyride. After beaching the craft, they decided to set it afire to get rid of the evidence. This would normally have been a “smart” thing to do, but not in this case. It seems the boys had landed on an uninhabited island with no way off. But, don’t worry, they were rescued – and arrested. (“Hey, maybe someone will see our “signal fire.”)

Smile!  You’re on not so “Candid Camera”!... In Cincinnati, a wanted man was arrested after his parole officer spotted him kissing his girlfriend in a live crowd shot displayed on the scoreboard at a Cincinnati Reds game. The man and his parole officer attended the same game when the smooching couple were caught by the “Kiss Cam” at Great American Ball Park. The parole officer and a police officer arrested the 24-year-old man in his front row seat.  (“...and the count was one strike and one bawl.”)

Who says there’s no justice in the world today?... In Houston, Texas, a 52-year-old man who won $5.5 million in the state lottery has been ordered to give it up because he bought the winning ticket with money made selling cocaine. His lawyers argued that the ticket was purchased with cash from selling old clothes, but a jury in Federal court in Brownsville, Texas, disagreed and ruled he had to forfeit the cash.  He was arrested just three days after collecting the $5.5 million for selling 36 grams of cocaine to an undercover agent. (Do not pass “Go,” do not collect 5.5 million dollars.)

The easy thing to do would be to make a “baton joke” right about now... A police officer responding to a noise complaint went to a bachelorette party in Gainesville, Florida, and he was mistaken as the entertainment. The partygoers thought he was the stripper they ordered and didn’t realize he was legitimate until he drove away with the bride-to-be in handcuffs. “They didn’t go so far as to try and grab him,” said a Gainesville Police sergeant, “but they were wondering when the show would start.” When he was taking her to his car, they thought he was the stripper and everyone said, “OK, the warning has gone far enough. Are you going to start stripping?” When the officer first arrived, he issued a noise warning and, as part of procedure, he also ran a warrants check on the bride-to-be. That’s when he found that the 24-year-old woman had an outstanding warrant for a violation of probation.  (Hey, is that a gun in your holster or are you just glad to see me?)