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Above and Beyond

IN SEARCH OF INTELLIGENT LIFE

By James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

 The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds. But, all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth. Read the following true accounts and see if you agree:

...and I’m also a moron... An Englishman wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with “I AM A DEALER” across the front was arrested for possession of $33,000 worth of crack, cocaine and heroin after police raided his home. Someone reported they had reason to believe he might be a drug dealer, police said. (Who says advertising doesn’t work?)

Making it safe to walk the streets (?)... A Czech traffic police officer fired shots over the heads of pedestrians in the city of Plzen because they walked across the street against a red light. A police spokeswoman told the daily paper, Pravo, “A male police officer fired shots with his police pistol, but I cannot say more as the case is currently being investigated.” A newspaper said the officer began shooting in the air several times when the pedestrians ignored his calls not to cross the road until the pedestrian crossing light was green. (I can’t help but wonder how he handles litterbugs.)

The importance of accuracy in police reports cannot be overstated... In Los Angeles, a police officer reported that three suspects approached a 43-year-old male and threatened him with a basketball if he did not give them money. The officer also concluded that none of the suspects were members of the Los Angeles Lakers because, as a police report put it, the Lakers are “absolutely no threat with a basketball.” (Apparently, neither is the U.S. Men’s Olympic Basketball Team.)

I wonder if they’ll try these guys as “adults”... Police were summoned to an upscale office building in west St. Louis on a report of a man roaming the halls with a gun. When the cops showed up, they found some workers hiding under desks and in closets and others having fled the building. Police concluded that two lawyers were once again playing their “game” in the hallways, stalking each other with BB guns and occasionally firing. Most of the workers did not know that the men were “just playing.” Police said they intend to file charges. Not surprisingly, one lawyer’s mother is a judge; his wife is a city counselor; and he is on the state Bar Association’s disciplinary committee. (That kind of reinforces the old joke, “What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.”)

Maybe they thought the package was safe because it “wasn’t ticking”... Aides to Democratic Senator Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts received a suspicious package addressed to the Senator which contained, among other things, hair and a vial holding a red substance they thought might be blood. Believing it to be potentially hazardous, they knew they had to send it on to someone. No, not the police... they forwarded it to a Republican Senator from Virginia. The only explanation given by the Kennedy aides as to why they forwarded a potentially hazardous package to the Virginian’s office instead of notifying the police was that the return address was in Norfolk, Virginia. They said that, despite the package having been addressed to Kennedy, they thought it was really meant for the Virginia senator. (I guess Senator Kennedy’s no longer satisfied with just passing the buck.)

Where’s a police K-9 when you need one?... It’s hard for some guys to pass up a dare – especially when it’s a “triple dog dare.” That’s why two men wandered through a Wal-Mart store in Cottsbluff, Nebraska, wearing only women’s thong underwear and a T-shirt. The pair, aged 35 and 36, had gone into the store, purchased the undergarments, and went into a bathroom to change. They walked through the store and out to their car. Police caught the men as they sauntered through the parking lot and reviewed a surveillance tape before arresting them for public indecency and disorderly conduct. When police inquired as to why they were wearing thong underwear, one of the men responded that a friend “triple dog dared” them. Authorities said they will not be prosecuted. (Thongs for the memories!)

Next time, get E-ZPassSM!... A man ran a red light in full view of a police officer in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The patrolman flipped on his lights and signaled for him to pull over, but the man decided to try to outrun him and almost escaped. He led the cop on a chase with speeds of up to 100 miles per hour before he suddenly came upon a toll plaza. The man was apparently not a hardened criminal and didn’t want any more problems with the law, so he pulled up to the booth, stopped, and was fumbling for his change when the officer arrested him. (That getaway must have taken a “toll” on his brain.)

He figured it was time for change... A man successfully robbed a bank in Cleveland, Ohio, and got away with a couple thousand dollars in cash. But, alas, the money was stained red due to an exploding dye pack. Undaunted, our genius devised a brilliant solution to the problem. He took the money to a laundromat to “launder” it. No, he didn’t throw the stuff in the washing machine; he was too smart for that. Instead, he fed it, one bill at a time, into the bill changer. Things were going well until a police officer happened to pull into the parking lot. The crook “freaked” and sprinted out the door and across the lot, jingling and jangling and dropping quarters as he ran. The officer followed the trail of money to the crook and found that he had 23 pounds of quarters and a couple of thousand ink stained bills in his possession. (Going from rags to riches – four quarters at a time!)

“Never get high on your own supply”... In Genesee, Michigan, three men were enjoying an afternoon ride one evening when a man in the truck next to them noticed one of them rolling a marijuana cigarette. He shook his head disapprovingly which prompted one of them to make an obscene gesture in return. That was probably not a wise thing to do. That made the trucker angry enough to call the cops. They pulled our friends over and found much more than just one joint – twelve one pound bricks of marijuana were found in their luggage. (Looks like they’ll be trading their bricks in for cinder blocks.)

I’ve heard of forgetting your sunglasses in a rental car, but...  In Langhorne, Pennsylvania, a man who returned a rental car allegedly forgot to grab the 88 bags of heroin he had left in the car. Employees of an Enterprise Rent-A-Car agency called police and reported finding the drugs hidden under a layer of napkins in the car’s console.  Using information found in the wallet the man also left behind, a detective contacted the man posing as someone who had found the heroin and told him he wanted to return the drugs for a reward. He set up a meeting with the man at a mall in the Philadelphia suburb and the man was arrested when he arrived. (“This is my worst trip to the mall, EVER!”)

Stopping the vicious “cycle” of crime... A man broke into a farm stand in Moorestown, New Jersey, and, after being unable to open the cash register, simply took it with him. It wasn’t that bad of a plan – except for the fact that his getaway vehicle was a bicycle. The sight of this genius pedaling along with the cash register perched on the handlebars attracted the attention of a passing motorist who called the cops. (“Gee, officer, I was always misplacing my wallet, so...”)

All right, now, no peeking! ... A 42-year-old man was arrested shortly after he allegedly robbed a Compass Bank in Denver – even though he was dressed (in running shorts and shoes) entirely differently than when he pulled off the job. His plan was to leave the bank, then strip off his pants and appear to be a jogger out for a morning run, carrying the money. However, for some reason, he changed clothes in front of the bank building in full view of the employees who reported his new outfit. According to a police spokesman, he expressed surprise when he was caught so quickly. (Now you see me, and now...you see me?)

This is what happens when you set your standards a little too high... A 30-year-old man was arrested after allegedly robbing a Madison Bank branch in Norristown, Pennsylvania, and coming away with $50. His holdup note had demanded “all your hundreds and fifties” and, as the teller later said, there was lots of money in the drawer, but, unfortunately for the robber, no hundreds and only one fifty. (Thankfully, he didn’t just ask for “a zillion dollars.”).