Go

Above and Beyond

In Search Of Intelligent Life

By James L. McClinton, Ph.D  

 The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds.  But all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth.  Read the following true accounts and see if you agree.

It Takes a Thief

Sorry – no deposit(s), no return... Three men broke into a closed Chicago restaurant and pried the ATM machine from its bolts. They then attempted to toss the contraption into the backseat of their 1993 Cadillac DeVille. It’s a large car, but not large enough. So, they took off with the back door half open and the ATM partially hanging out. Predictably, this attracted a police officer who pulled them over and made the arrest. It seems their efforts were in vain, anyway. The ATM had been out of order – and money – for more than two years. And, the restaurant owner had been trying to figure out how to get rid of the useless machine. (This gives me hope that a thief may someday steal my neighbor’s valuable’75 Dodge Dart which has been sitting in his backyard.)

Strong arm, weak mind... A man strolled into a drugstore in Columbus, Ohio, latched onto the cash register, pulled it off the counter and hightailed it. The strong-arm thief was in such a hurry to get away that he didn’t even notice he had torn off the top part of the register, leaving the money drawers behind. The cops said it wasn’t hard to spot this knucklehead running down the street, carrying an armload of machinery with dangling wires and cables. (Running around town without your drawers is also unlawful.)

Two stooges short of a trio... After a man stole a car in Edwardsville, Pennsylvania, police were notified and alerted to be on the lookout for a stolen white vehicle. Soon afterwards, an officer on patrol noticed something strange going on in the middle of a shopping center parking lot. Upon further inspection, he discovered it was our thief busily painting the stolen white car black. He wasn’t bashful either, working away in full view of anyone and everyone in the parking lot. (“Uh-oh, better get Maaco!”)

Too late and too bad – he should have used the card to make bail... A man stole a woman’s bank debit card in London, England. Deciding to enjoy his newfound “wealth,” he headed to the local betting parlor and used the card to place two bets on horse races. The thief knew his stuff as both his horses came in and he won $450. But, the story didn’t end there. Since he used a debit card and couldn’t show a proper ID, the track simply paid the winnings into the debit card account rather than paying him in cash as he had expected. So, the real owner of the stolen card ended up with a $450 profit because, shortly thereafter, the bank stopped activity on the card and our genius was apprehended. (Sort of like a “dim-witted” Robin Hood)

I believe he’s a 1969 graduate of the “Gainesville School for the Gifted”... A 51-year-old man in Gainesville, Florida, has been charged with burglary and theft after locking himself in the car he was attempting to steal. After he managed to squirm into the 1994 Infiniti, an alarm was triggered and a security device automatically locked all the doors. There is another button on the driver’s door which would have simply released the locks, but he didn’t figure that out. Police found him crouched in the backseat, trying to hide from any onlookers. He had coins in his pockets which he had stolen from inside the car. A police sergeant said, “Maybe he needs a new line of work. He’s not very good at what he’s doing now.” (Here’s a “new line of work” he might do well in: He can design voting machines for the State of Florida.)

Not the sharpest one in the drawer... In Greenfield, Wisconsin, a man armed with a knife tried to rob a gun store. (Yeah, and the knife wasn’t even loaded!)

“Please tell me you’re here to buy the car”... A 22-year-old Oklahoma man stole a Corvette and then tried to sell it on the Internet auction site, eBay. The thief got 30 different offers for the car, but decided to accept one from Manchester, New York.  He drove the car 1,750 miles only to be met by police officers in the parking lot of the Hilton Hotel. “He was very surprised,” said one detective. Another thinks the young man set a record: “No one has ever driven this far to get arrested.” (Time to trade in those racing stripes for the prison variety)

Ist das nicht ein Nincompoop?”  Ya das ist ein Nincompoop!... A thief broke into a jewelry store in Berlin, Germany, and made off with a haul of goods. But, for unknown reasons, he left over $3 million worth of precious jewels behind and chose instead to steal $59 worth of zirconium, glass and iron pyrite. (‘Ya know, the cheap stuff is more shiny and glittery.)

“If I Only Had a Brain”

But, honestly officer, my wife doesn’t understand me – like you do... An Indian police station which is only staffed by women officers is being overwhelmed by men who say they are being mistreated by their wives. Officers at the Mahila (Women’s) police station in Vishakhapatnam have had to turn away men who line up outside to complain about their wives. Most of the men say they are being forced to do household chores, such as washing and cooking. The all female police station was intended as a place for women seeking refuge from their husbands, but the men are coming to the station because they think women police officers will be more sympathetic than their male colleagues.  (“Uh, after you’re done arresting my wife for mistreating me, could you get me a beer?”)

Will the last person leaving Oklahoma please turn off the lights?... In order to cope with a budget shortfall running close to $200 million, state officials in Oklahoma have removed up to half of the light bulbs from some state buildings to cut costs. “We aren’t going to make people work by candlelight or flashlight or anything like that,” said an Oklahoma Department of Central Services spokesman. “It does add up. It adds up to a noticeable amount, although I’m not sure what it is,” he said. Several state employees don’t think it’s a good idea. “It’s a stupid idea. It’s dark in here,” one state employee said. “If we had better budget planning, we would not have to resort to this.” (How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two – one to change it and another one to change it back!)

“Super Trooper?”... A trooper was patrolling near Fairbanks, Alaska, with the roads coated with ice and edged with snowbanks several feet high.  He noticed a car stopped on the right shoulder, pulled in behind it and got out of his vehicle. As he approached the car, the trooper could see that at least one rear tire was spinning on the ice – the car was stuck. When he looked in the rear windows, he realized that the elderly couple in the car were apparently intoxicated and did not realize that they were not moving.  The trooper decided to play along and jogged up to the driver’s window and started jogging in place. He knocked on the window and directed the driver to pull over. The driver was very surprised to see an officer running alongside his car, but apparently figured that he could drive faster – so he sped up. The officer could hear the spinning tire accelerate, so he jogged faster and acted more insistent that the driver stop his car. The driver eventually decided to give up. (I wonder if this violates any vehicle pursuit while on foot policy?)

He really stuck it to himself this time!... A thief in Rio de Janeiro broke into a glue factory and stole several cans of glue. On his way out, he stopped to sniff the glue, passed out, dropped the glue, fell down and became stuck to the factory floor. (Wow – talk about a sticky wicket!)

“Can you hear me now?”... Police arrested an armed robber in Orem, Utah, after his girlfriend called the mobile phone he left at the crime scene. The 24-year-old man is accused of holding up a woman at gunpoint and making off with her purse. The man left his mobile phone behind and was arrested when his girlfriend called looking for him. The officers were in the middle of their investigation when the phone rang. The suspect’s girlfriend asked, “Are you with [the suspect]?” They responded, “No, but we will be shortly.” (A life of crime is pretty tough. It’s even tougher when you’re stupid.)

But, mama should have said, “Cleanliness is next to brainlessness”... A couple of thieves in Sacramento, California, had a pretty good thing going for them – one would hold up the bank and the other would wait outside in the getaway car. Things were going extremely well; in fact, the police estimated they had pulled off at least 15 successful robberies before the driving half  of the team made a fatal error in judgment. While his pal was inside a Sacramento bank, he spotted a nice new car wash across the street. And, since the old getaway car was kind of dirty, he decided to run it through the wash while his business associate was doing his thing. Sad to say, the car wash was busy that day and these two were still waiting for the car to emerge when the cops arrived and arrested them both. (Oh, well – at least they had enough cash to cover the tip!)