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Above and Beyond

In Search Of Intelligent Life

By James L. McClinton, Ph.D  
Charleston County, SC, Sheriff’s Office 

The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds. But, all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth. Read the following true accounts and see if you agree:

FOOL* Awards
(*Friends of Official Law Enforcement)  

IN RECOGNITION OF: Maybe he’ll lose weight on that jail food... In Cape Town, South Africa, a burglar attempted to break into a home by squeezing between the burglar bars and the front door. But, he was a little too big to get through and got stuck between the bars and the door; he couldn’t budge an inch in any direction. He managed to devise a brilliant escape tactic – he knocked on the door until the homeowner answered. Seeing this moron’s plight, the owner quickly called the cops. (“Uh, would you believe I’m your Avon Lady?”)

IN RECOGNITION OF: Taking a bite out of crime... In Los Angeles, California, a burglar was surprised by the homeowner while he was robbing his house. He got into a brawl with the homeowner, bit the man and escaped. Unfortunately, he left behind his false teeth when he fled. Investigating officers noticed a name and serial number etched on the dentures. That number turned out to be a California Department of Corrections ID which indicated that the thief was an ex-con. He had been given the dentures the last time he was in prison. (“And now it’s time to play ‘Tooth or Consequences!’”) 

IN RECOGNITION OF: Here’s mud in your eye, neighbor!... In Santa Rosa, California, William Larue had big plans to burglarize a home. But, his plans didn’t take into account the rains of recent days and the very muddy driveway leading to the home. Our friend consequently found his car hopelessly stuck. Thinking quickly, he walked up to the house, broke in and stole the keys to the homeowner’s car.  You’d think a normal crook would flee the scene in the stolen car, right? Wrong – he drove down to where his car was stuck and tried to push it free using the stolen car. He promptly got it stuck, too. And, that’s how the cops found him, knee-deep in mud. (And, now he’s knee-deep in...)

IN RECOGNITION OF: Oh, so that’s why they call it “Wacky Weed”!...  A man staying at a hotel in St. Louis wandered up to the hot tub which was full of guys he had never seen before in his life. Being a friendly type, he said to them, “Dudes, if I’d known you were here, I’d have brought down the dynamite weed I have in my room.” He then went back to get it. What he didn’t know was that the guys in the hot tub were undercover drug cops in town for a meeting. When our genius went to get his marijuana, one of the officers went to get his badge. Our man returned, climbed into the hot tub, lit up and was arrested. (Yes, it’s perfectly clear now. This guy was an undercover idiot!)     

IN RECOGNITION OF: Hey, he was right. It was the other police department which actually caught him... A man who was wanted by police in Ticonderoga, New York, called them from a hotel room in Auburn, Georgia, to brag that they would never catch him. But, his telephone number showed up on the caller ID box which prompted the Ticonderoga police to make a call to the police in Auburn, Georgia. The police were able to lean back and enjoy the rest of their phone conversation which, according to the Ticonderoga police, went like this: “I heard the doorbell ring on his end of the phone. I could hear someone get up to answer it. It was the police. They came through the door. There was a scuffle and they subdued him outside the residence after a brief chase.” (“Hello, we have a collect call for you from Mr. Moe Rawn.”)

Don’t Ya Just Love These Guys?
Now, that’s what I call “running for county office”...

 In Muncie, Indiana, a robber broke into the courthouse in order to take some cash from a reception area. But, when the thief was spotted, he took off in a sprint and ran directly into the Randolph County Jail. “We love it when they run to jail for us,” a spokesman admitted later. (He was probably already wearing those bright orange overalls, too.)

Birds of a feather hang out together... A 44-year-old man in Painesville, Ohio, was forced to serve his sentence with a sow after calling a police officer a pig. He used the word “pig” while shouting obscenities in a confrontation with a city police officer. A Painesville municipal judge ordered the sentence instead of jail time following the man’s guilty plea to disorderly conduct. A lunchtime crowd jeered and joked with him as he stood on a city sidewalk arm in hoof with the 350 pound pig for two hours. There was a sign saying, “This is not a police officer.” (Man, it’s a shame to embarrass a perfectly nice hog like that!)

“That’s right, you lousy copper, I have a constitutional right to make an even bigger fool out of myself!”...When a police officer accidentally used the term “witness” instead of victim, the defendant angrily objected. He shouted, “What are you talking about, some ‘witness,’ man? There was only me and her in the store.”  (Hey, do the math, man, that makes her a “witness”!)

A Brain Is a Terrible Thing to Waste
Hey, why complicate a simple process?!?...

 Only days after the outgoing mayor in Cleveland left the city on what he said was “solid financial footing” with an $11.8 million surplus, the incoming mayor found otherwise. It seems that the former mayor’s finance director had never bothered to balance the books and, in fact, had no idea how she came up with the $11.8 million figure. According to the incoming team, she actually admitted being unaware that reconciling the books was a prerequisite to declaring a surplus. (So, why did she stop at $11.8 million? She should have gone “for the gold” and said $25 million!)

It’s just a guess, but I suspect he was pretty uncomfortable in his neatly pressed and starched boxer shorts... A Colombian smuggler tried to hide heroin from Customs by starching it into his clothes. But, he was slightly unclear on the concept of just how to hide the heroin. He used some 2.2 pounds of heroin, in total, on his clothes. Customs officials became suspicious when they noticed the man was wearing unusually stiff clothing and smelled of vinegar. He also left a trail of white powder behind him as he was walking through the airport. (I wonder what happened to the poor guy who had to sit next to him during the flight.)

“Look, lady, this court has no interest in how ‘the weasel’ goes”... In Toronto, Ontario, a 39-year-old woman was found not guilty of abducting her children in a divorce fight; however, moments later, she was convicted of contempt of court because she wouldn’t stop putting her finger in her mouth and making popping sounds while the judge was speaking. (She was probably one step away from making those “armpit noises.”)

And You Thought You
Were Having a Bad Day...

They’re gonna trust this guy to use machinery to make license plates?... A would-be thief in Mesa, Arizona, certainly had a bad day...er, week. First, his fake gun shattered into a thousand pieces when he dropped it while trying to rob a drugstore. He ran away and the following day he went up to a checker in a supermarket and handed her a $20 bill to pay for a candy bar. When she opened the register, he sprayed her with pepper spray and tried to grab some cash, but she slammed it shut before he could get any. He then started having an asthma attack brought on by the pepper spray. He struggled to his car to find he had locked the keys inside. He broke the window with a rock and drove off, only to be stopped a few blocks away for driving without his headlights on. (This sounds like great material for “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”)

“Just a funny feeling, Sarge, but I sense that something is up”... In Los Angeles, a knucklehead broke into a 36 story office tower at two in the morning and made his way to the roof. He then proceeded to jump off, using a parachute to float to the ground. His timing wasn’t exactly perfect, however. It seems he set off an alarm when he broke in and the officers arrived just in time to have him land directly on top of their patrol car. He’s been arrested. (Too bad they weren’t near the alligator exhibit at the Los Angeles Zoo.)

One hockey puck between the eyes too many, eh?... A Canadian may have forgotten that it’s summer in the Southern Hemisphere. While trying to sneak drugs into Australia, he arrived at the Brisbane Airport with two kilos of heroin stitched into his clothing. He didn’t get very far before attracting the attention of Customs agents. He had hidden the dope in a heavy polar fleece jacket which he was wearing zipped up all the way to the top. And, the temperature was 90 degrees. He’s been arrested. (Yeah, as if the ski boots, mittens and stretch pants wouldn’t have given him away.)

It Takes a Thief

“You mean to tell me your ‘Kiddy Meal’ came with small fries, a small burger and a cell phone?”... In Nottinghamshire, England, a woman snatched another woman’s purse containing a little cash and a cell phone. A short time later, her husband decided to call the cell number. Someone answered the phone, but didn’t say anything. Then, in the background, he heard someone order a Big Mac^®, so he flew to the nearest McDonald’s^®. Once inside, he called the phone again. The phone rang and this time he was close enough to see our woman pick it up and answer. He walked over to her and she surrendered the phone and the purse without a fight. (I’m still trying to figure out why she answered a stolen cell phone – twice?!?)

Now, there’s an “open-and-shut” case... A car thief in Beer Sheba, Israel, thought he hit the jackpot when he noticed the window of a parked Toyota had been left partly open. When he hurriedly leaned over the glass to disconnect the stereo system, he inadvertently pushed the electronic button which rolls up the windows and it began to close on him. He started to panic and began yelling for help. His neck got caught and he screamed, “Help!” His pleas woke up the neighbors and the car’s owner. Police aided in his rescue and then promptly arrested him. (This moron’s next move probably would have been to accidentally disengage the parking brake.)

It Ain’t Correct, but It Is Political

Be all you can be... A state inspector marked points off her evaluation of Kids Gym Schoolhouse in Wilmington, North Carolina, after seeing the toys in the children’s play area. “It was observed that nine ‘army men’ were present in the block play area,” the inspector wrote in her report. “These figures reflect stereotyping and violence.” Wouldn’t lessons from teachers or parents help children understand that soldiers can be peacekeepers or fight to protect them from terrorists? No, says a spokeswoman for the state’s Division of Child Development’s Policy and Program Unit. Children are more likely to just use the toy soldiers “to shoot the stuffed animals,” she said. (Wait, let’s see if I got this straight – a toy soldier would shoot toy stuffed animals with imaginary bullets? I wonder what kind of toys she played with as a kid?)