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Above and Beyond

In Search Of Intelligent Life

By James L. McClinton, Ph.D  
Charleston County, SC, Sheriff’s Office

The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds.  But all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth.  Read the following true accounts and see if you agree:

FOOL* Awards
(*Friends of Official Law Enforcement)

IN RECOGNITION OF: “Sorry, officers, we were napping and didn’t hear a thing.”... In San Francisco, California, three “gentlemen” recently broke into an Internet cafe and carried out the ATM machine. While most thieves would haul away the machine to some secluded area to open it up, these clowns chose a city park (the most public of places). Our friends commenced banging away on the machine, making all kinds of racket. They didn’t get it open, but they did attract the attention of neighbors who called the cops. When the police arrived, our boys hugged the ground and pretended to be asleep (next to the stolen ATM). Oh, and their napping spot was cluttered with steel bars, rocks, and other tools they had used to try to open the machine. The cops weren’t fooled. (“Steel bars, rocks, and tools? Ah, gee, officers, those are just our pillows!”)

IN RECOGNITION OF: Not the sort of thing a thief wants to see in his rearview mirror... Crooks in Penrith, Australia, tried a different approach. They smashed their truck through the window of a service station, attached a chain to the ATM machine inside, connected it to the rear of their truck, and drove off. They tried to take the ATM to their hideout where they could break into it at their leisure and help themselves to the cash inside, but, as they drug the heavy ATM through the city streets, sparks flew from under the machine eventually causing it to burst into flames. (I wonder if dragging a flaming ATM machine through town normally attracts attention in Australia?)

IN RECOGNITION OF: Next time, try taking the family dog for a walk instead... In Canton, Ohio, a man who was carrying a marijuana plant down the street said to a passerby, “Would you believe I’m walking down the street in the middle of the day with this pot plant?” The passerby happened to be Detective Joe Mongold of the Canton Police Department. (“...and would you believe you’re talking to a cop?”)

IN RECOGNITION OF: Now that’s a clever way to skip out without paying your bill... A Florida fugitive, on the run for 15 years, was dining in a restaurant when he noticed Mark Skurka, the then assistant district attorney who prosecuted him for the original crime. The fugitive approached the court official to introduce himself and to ask if he’s still the assistant district attorney. Yes, it turns out, he still is – and, no, the man is no longer a fugitive.  (Now, that’s an amazing coincidence – Mr. Skurka is still an assistant district attorney and the criminal is still a moron!)

IN RECOGNITION OF: Obviously, the word “Giant” was not a commentary on her intellectual capacity... A woman who worked at a Giant Supermarket in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, robbed a nearby convenience store with her husband while she was wearing her Giant Supermarket uniform (with the word “Giant” written on the sleeve). She committed the unlawful act even after the clerk recognized her as a person she’d seen working at the Giant Supermarket and greeted her with, “Oh, you work at Giant.” (“I used to work at Giant, but I’m going to make license plates for the state now.”)

IN RECOGNITION OF: This guy has spent just a little too much time in front of a boombox... An accused carjacker in Albuquerque, New Mexico, called the victim and asked how to hook up the car’s stereo amplifier. Police got his phone number from the caller ID display and found that he lived across the street from the man from whom he stole the car. (He could have saved the cops some trouble if he had just walked across the street and asked his neighbor for instructions.)

“If I Only Had a Brain”

“I don’t get it...it works okay in the movies!”... A man serving time with no possibility of parole in Alberta, Canada, decided to stage a daring escape. He crawled into the prison’s ventilation system and just kept on crawling – around and around, through different areas of the prison, staying in the ductwork.  Seems our hapless friend was not able to find his way out. Other prisoners took pity on him and brought him food and water before prison officials finally tracked him down. (Two months later, and 30 pounds lighter, he’s in a new cell with no ductwork.)

Don’t ya come “Bach” no more... Theorizing that having to listen to such music would drive criminals out of high crime areas, officials in Fort Pierce, Florida, installed bullhorn-like speakers on buildings and began playing classical music loudly in places where the criminal element tended to hang out. (Do you suppose they cleared this tactic with the U.N. Commission on Human Rights?)

Your Honor, I object. I’m badgering me!... 47-year-old arson defendant, Steven McDonald, acting as his own lawyer at his trial in Mount Vernon, Washington, took the stand in his own defense and posed questions to himself, referring to himself as “Mr. McDonald.” In an attempt to dispute testimony from a key witness who said that he saw the arsonist “arguing with himself” at the crime scene, McDonald asked himself, “Mr. McDonald, have you ever talked to yourself?” (“Before I answer, I must remind myself that I’m under oath.”)

“Hey, officer, all I wanna do is just blow this town!”... In Houston, Texas, a police officer spotted an 18-wheeler with the trailer leaning hard to the right. Every time the trailer bounced, the right rear tires rubbed on the bottom of the trailer and they were starting to smoke. He told the driver (after pulling him off the highway) that his tires were smoking and asked him what he was carrying because it appeared his load had shifted. He stated he was carrying 1400 pounds of high explosive gunpowder and ammunition for a sporting good store located on the southwest side of Houston. He said the load had shifted four cities back! He then asked if he could continue to his destination driving through the center of downtown Houston on the freeway, a distance of 40 more miles. It didn’t happen. (“Hey, do the math, pal: explosives + jarring + smoke and fire = Kingdom Come.”)

“Uh, fellas, I think that ‘gator’ is either a ‘mater’ or a people hater...see ya later.”... Five teenage car thieves in Stuart, Florida, were on the run from the local sheriff and decided to jump into a pond to hide. It probably was not a wise move.  First, you can only hold your breath for so long until you have to come up for air. Second, a variety of strange critters live in Florida ponds. And, third, as the sheriff’s deputies pointed out, it’s gator mating season! They then shined a flashlight into the eyes of two nearby alligators. That was enough – they fled the pond faster than you can say “gator bait.” (A few minutes later and they might have met their creator!) 

The Latest Rage

“What do you mean – it’s not covered by the warranty”... A Raleigh, North Carolina, man, incensed that his girlfriend didn’t buy the car he thought she should have bought, set her new car on fire in a parking garage, with the resulting explosion blowing him over a railing and down 35 feet. He faces numerous criminal charges when he gets out of intensive care. (Come on now, preowned Yugos are just the thing for single, white females.)

“Dude, you’re hittin’ a Dell!”... At a Grand Chute, Wisconsin, computer store, a man who was fed up with his daughter’s $2,600 computer which he’d taken back to the store five times for repairs, came back a sixth time, set the computer on the store counter, took out a large sledgehammer, and crushed it with three swings. He then told the clerk to “have a nice day,” and walked out the door. (And the last thing you could see on the monitor was, “Code 15643789210003 – Fatal Error.”)

Idiots in Search of a Village

“Yeah, now remember, as soon as you run out of ammo, you’re supposed to throw your gun at ’em!”... Police in Slidell, Louisana, were looking for two men (ages 23 and 24) suspected of a drive-by shooting which badly missed the target house.  Half of the bullets hit only the interior of their car. Police said the suspects fired as the driver sped down the street (perhaps not realizing that when professionals do a “drive-by,” they actually stop the car in front of the target so they can aim better).

Ah, but he fails to realize that U.S. time is worth more, too. So, four years in a Canadian prison is worth seven years in an American prison... A Montreal man who is serving a seven year sentence in the U.S. for bank robbery has asked a U.S. judge to reduce his sentence to four years because the Canadian dollar is worth less than the U.S. dollar. He believes that the money he stole in Canada, being worth less than U.S. money, should have counted less in determining his jail sentence in the U.S. “Taking into account my Canadian criminal record – at current exchange rates – is only worth 62% of an American criminal, I thought I had a good chance at a reduced sentence,” he wrote in a letter to the judge.  In response, he’s been told, “The Clinton County district attorney’s office does not offer a Canadian exchange in sentences to prison in the United States.”  (Nor will they prorate probation time if he ever gets paroled.)

Well, at least our “dummy” was in good company... A burglar who set off a silent alarm in a clothes store in Vigevano, Italy, tried to hide by standing very still in the middle of a group of mannequins. Unfortunately, none of the mannequins had clothes or hair which made it easy for police to spot him. (I’d guess the sweat beads on his forehead were another clue his head wasn’t made out of plastic.)

“Goodness me, Your Honor, I was s-s-s-simply having a ‘bad hair day’ ”... A man (?) robbed a 7-Eleven store in Orlando, Florida. It’s not clear if he was trying to make a rather bizarre fashion statement, or was simply unaware of the fact that he has “issues” which need to be addressed. Anyway, the crook, who carried a purse and wore a black tube top on his head, approached three clerks brandishing a Vidal Sassoon curling iron as a weapon (wrapped in a towel and protruding from his purse). The clerk saw the cord sticking out, but didn’t want to provoke the use of “deadly force.” She readily handed over the store’s cash, cigarettes and lottery tickets.  Another clerk and a taxi driver called 911 and the police were happy to find him still inside when they arrived. (I suspect he’s gonna be the center of attention in jail, “not that there’s anything wrong with that.”)